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Jason Lyle
Senior Member

since 2003-02-07

Posts 1438
With my darkling

0 posted 2003-04-16 02:50 PM

With the darkling, you ask a dance?
Did he warn you, my only friend?
He allures you with sweet romance?
Your soul he will have, in the end

Shall we start, a sultry tango
Lost in wild dark tribal heartbeats
Gentlemen bow, and then we go
Lost in passion, on satin sheets

Dance he leads, he never follows
Shall we end, with swaying slow dance
Darkling wins, yet feels so hollow
On satin sheets, my darkling dance

Aenimal
Member Rara Avis

since 2002-11-18

Posts 7350
the ass-end of space

1 posted 2003-04-16 03:22 PM

Darkling wins, yet feels so hollow

these words are known

Mysteria

Member Laureate

since 2001-03-07

Posts 18328
British Columbia, Canada

2 posted 2003-04-16 04:28 PM

Dance he leads, he never follows

And this is so true! I really enjoyed this piece it was veyr well done, and a lot of insight.

Earth Angel
Member Empyrean

since 2002-08-27

Posts 40215
Realms of Light

3 posted 2003-04-16 04:47 PM

I can imagine that it would feel hollow. A potent message here!

Love & Light,
EA

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

4 posted 2003-04-16 04:53 PM

Ah, good...a small critique then...the last line confuses me as to who is feeling hollow. The darkling? But he wins. The female then...so...

third stanza

quote:
Dance he leads, he never follows
Shall we end, with swaying slow dance
Darkling wins, yet feels so hollow
On satin sheets, my darkling dance

perhaps changing the third line to read

"Darkling wins, yet she feels hollow"

may rid others of any misunderstanding...unless, of course, I am the ONLY one...

and THAT's certainly possible! LOL...

I enjoyed this very much, Jason! Thank you!

karebear07
Member

since 2003-04-15

Posts 64
Texas

5 posted 2003-04-16 05:21 PM

Awesome!!
-Kara <><

SPIRIT
Senior Member

since 2002-12-29

Posts 1745
California Desert

6 posted 2003-04-16 05:51 PM

As usual Jason your name pulls me in and as usual I enjoy.

littlewing
Member Rara Avis

since 2003-03-02

Posts 9655
New York

7 posted 2003-04-16 08:11 PM

Jason:

hollow . . . you displayed this emotion
perfectly . . . xxoo

Gina Culliney
Member

since 2003-03-08

Posts 170

8 posted 2003-04-16 08:20 PM

Thank you Poe for the beautiful write, you ar
such a darkling moth. Feeling a little exposed my self, mirror image, but hollow is starting to sound rather pleasant right now after that sultry poem!

Jason Lyle
Senior Member

since 2003-02-07

Posts 1438
With my darkling

9 posted 2003-04-16 08:23 PM

Its the win feels hollow, but thanks for the crit, I think this one needs reworked.
thanks for the comments friends.
Jason

Kahlil
Senior Member

since 2003-04-12

Posts 1881

10 posted 2003-05-03 01:13 AM

I got it...no need to rework
almost never rework...
I'm keeping this one

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