Old Toerag's wife gave me a call and said" I'm in a stew!
That bum is somewhere drinking and I need a hand from you.
I had a little accident. The coffee overturned
And splattered on the counter. I'm afraid my face got burned!"

So quickly I rushed over there, soon as I got the call
And said 'Dear girl, I'm taking you straight to the hospital!"
I rushed her to emergency. Her wound was quite severe.
How fortunate that she could call on helpful Balladeer.

The doc said, "That's a nasty burn. It must be 3rd degree.
We have no options, I'm afraid, except for surgery.
We need to do a skin graft where the burn is, on the cheek
Then it should heal nicely, I would think, within a week."

The doc said, "Hey, I know you, son. You're called the Balladeer.
I've heard the women talk about the softness of your rear.
If we could use a little patch to cure Ms. Toerag's burn
I have no doubt her natural appearance would return."

So I agreed. I mean, how in the world could I say no
To help the wife and live-in maid of my good buddy Toe?
The operation went as planned. In one week she was cured
And she stopped by to thank me for the pain I had endured.

She said, "Oh, Mister Balladeer, I'm well because of you.
I wish there were some special thing that I could do for you."
I started laughing so hard it was difficult to speak,
Then said, "Dear, I'm well paid each time Toe plants one on your cheek!!!"