Open Poetry #24 |
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lazy treasure hunter [acoustic#4] |
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christian Member
since 2002-12-18
Posts 331 |
lazy treasure hunter [acoustic #4] ---------------------------------- ______________________________________ i told the waitress, "you'll never guess what i figured out. the red light stays red for approximately 16 seconds .." "that's nice." she said. "i'll take a sprite, thanks" i said. and she left. ______________________________________ playing play-do with the clouds, molding .. folding paper napkins and trying to make three pointers to the nearest trash can guess i'll spend another afternoon playing chess with these salt and pepper shakers .. while silently; crying out for your attention, waiting, for the chance to be your knight in an un-ironed thrift store t-shirt .. waiting | waiting | waiting-- for you, to take my breath away. 'cause i want to suffocate .. illustrations, with dirty contemplations covering my face. tired of this, tired of this so lonely, so lonely .. will you hurry, please, will you hurry and get to me .. run, 'cause i'm tired of being by myself guess it's okay, spending hours, and wasting days--looking for heaven, waiting, for the chance to be your knight in an un-ironed thrift store t-shirt .. waiting | waiting | waiting-- for you, to take my breath away. with days [spent], smiling at every stranger, hoping one of them will ask me for the time .. 'cause i'm just a little boy in an igloo, waiting | waiting | waiting for you to break the ice .. and hey, might sound crazy - but i'm too lazy to waste my words with worthless sentences that play me for the fool .. ti'll then, i'll complain-- tired of this, tired of this so lonely, so lonely .. will you hurry, please, will you hurry and get to me.. run, 'cause i'm tired of being by myself. i'm waiting | waiting | waiting, for you, to take my breath away. --------------------------------------- "and i dont want the world to see me because i don't think that theyd understand, when everythings meant to be broken i just want you to know" --------------------------------------- [This message has been edited by christian (12-21-2002 09:29 PM).] |
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© Copyright 2002 christian ragunton - All Rights Reserved | |||
Bill Charles Member Patricius
since 2000-07-11
Posts 10619highways, & byways, for now |
Christian - 'I want you to know'. You do tell of this phrase well. I sense the inner self working here. Not bad... BC |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
I like the mood you create with this one. The beginning sets the stage very well (being brushed off and ignored by the waitress) for the rest of the thoughts. I can imagine this being read to a small, quiet audience in a smoky coffee shop. One question..you seem to pay attention well to grammar and spelling so I'm wondering if the apostrophes in i'am and ti'll are intentional and what purpose they serve... |
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regards2you Member Elite
since 2002-10-01
Posts 3940California |
I found this very interesting, Chris. Enjoyed, Warm regards Pat ..without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.. |
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enchantingvamp Member
since 2002-12-21
Posts 214Indiana, & NO there is NOT more than corn in Indiana, oughta go back to texas! |
you just want them to know who you are.......great piece here....loved the flow of it...i thought it was choppy, like agony... |
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christian Member
since 2002-12-18
Posts 331 |
------------------------------------------ "and i don't want the world to see me 'cause i don't think thed understand when everythings meant to be broken i just want you to know who i am" ------------------------------------------ y'all. thats my signature, it's not part of the poem. eh. -- balladeer: the i'ams are just typos. i spell ti'll, ti'll. -- thanks for the feedback. |
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Temptress
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-06-15
Posts 7136Mobile, AL |
Okay. I'm impressed. I LOVE the way you communicate the thoughts and feelings here. You layer the moods of each thought, and you give each thought its own mouth with which to speak through your words. I hope that makes sense. I won't be pointing out any spelling errors when I read your poetry. lol..I am sure there are enough people who will do that for you. I like to focus on the intent of the works. I'll be looking for you. Jenn ~~I Love You~~ |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Get a grip, Jenn. They were pointed out because he has asked for the feedback, positive and negative. Nobody's nit-picking here..... |
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enchantingvamp Member
since 2002-12-21
Posts 214Indiana, & NO there is NOT more than corn in Indiana, oughta go back to texas! |
I knew that wasnt part of the poem......just kinda couldnt resist finishing out my own thoughts onto the screen, sorry. |
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Temptress
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-06-15
Posts 7136Mobile, AL |
![]() ????? bump? ![]() ~~I Love You~~ |
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passing shadows Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577displaced |
love the mood here...love the acoustic series, you know. |
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