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Open Poetry #24
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The Tenants
| Open Poetry #24 |
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The Tenants |
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Ratleader
since 2003-01-23
Posts 7026Visiting Earth on a Guest Pass 
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The Tenants Tenants Took the lightbulbs, Leaving the usual: Paper, cans, a tire; but somehow, This boat.... |
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| © Copyright 2003 Ed Ratledge - All Rights Reserved | |||
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the_loner_23 Member Ascendant
since 2002-06-08
Posts 5479Jacksonville, Florida, USA |
LOL This poem is so true Cold hands means a warm heart |
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Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049California |
Ed...it's interesting what is important..maybe the boat had nothing to take it to the water...so why? |
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Ratleader
since 2003-01-23
Posts 7026Visiting Earth on a Guest Pass |
I guess it's all about what's important to you at the time..... lightbulbs or boats.... ~~(¸¸¸¸ºº> ~~(¸¸¸¸ºº> ~~(¸¸ ¸¸ºº> ~~~(¸¸ER¸¸ºº> |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Maybe they forgot? I'm sure it's perfectly reasonable to nick off with the lightbulbs and leave your pleasure craft behind  Blabbermouth K - as usual - has suggestions. I really like this you know. I'm a BIG fan of short, minimalistic poetry (good poetry that is). Now, as your poem is only 5 lines I think you should tidy the format up so it's just short, sharp and in your face. To do this I recommend - dumping the initial caps. Cutting down your punctuation. Changing the word but to and as it makes more grammatical sense. End result ala K: Tenants took the lightbulbs leaving the usual: paper, cans, a tire, and somehow this boat Punctuation: There's absolutely no need of the ellipses at the end. The semi-colon after tire is too bulky - and grammatically incorrent as semi's are used to divide two whole sentences. The comma after lightbulbs is unnecessary. The colon after usual works well in terms of space, sound and pace - as do the list-commas in the fourth line.  K[This message has been edited by Severn (02-13-2003 02:52 AM).] |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
Lifeboats Without lightbulbs Afloat in sea's darkness Lest paddles kept in oarlocks hold Adrift |
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winston Member
since 2002-12-19
Posts 204NW of Eden |
I have thoroughly enjoyed reading this poem. Here's my suggestion. ten ants took the light bulbs leaving the usual paper cans a tire but some how this boat Now, the question is, is this still your poem or is it mine?  It's got to be mine because it is markedly different from yours. It's amazing I won. I was running against peace, prosperity, & incumbency. |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
Well... It's no longer a cinquain for sure... But I do believe it's still Ed's...  |
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Ratleader
since 2003-01-23
Posts 7026Visiting Earth on a Guest Pass |
Yo Severn -- thank you! I'm going to do exactly that, and look for it as a possibility in other things I'm writing. In fact, I'm going to print it out and tape it to my monitor for about a week as punishment for being sloppy. Hi, Nan, Hi, winston -- Interesting pick-ups on my little poem. I wonder if we could chain these things like we do with choka and haiku.... ~~(¸¸¸¸ºº> ~~(¸¸¸¸ºº> ~~(¸¸ ¸¸ºº> ~~~(¸¸ER¸¸ºº> |
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Bill Charles Member Patricius
since 2000-07-11
Posts 10619highways, & byways, for now |
Ratleader - some light bulbs for a boat, I'll take it.... BC |
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garysgirl 
since 2002-09-29
Posts 19237Florida, USA |
Yeah, Ed, what Bill said...... About the gang-chain, tell me again how this form is done......okay? If some of ya'll don't tell me, I certainly won't know how.....  Ethel  |
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Andrew Scott Member Elite
since 1999-06-24
Posts 2558Redlands,CA,USA |
Enjoyed both yours and Winston's Tenants and ten ants... never know what they'll take or leave behind. |
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Nightshade
since 2001-08-31
Posts 13962just out of reach |
Ed - words to ponder that's for certain. Enjoyed this. Chris  "Hope" is the thing with feathers- |
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Ratleader
since 2003-01-23
Posts 7026Visiting Earth on a Guest Pass |
It's pretty straightforward, but like haiku it does take a bit of practice to get confident with it (except for folks like Martie and DrMoose, who shazammed it on their first try).... Practically speaking, here's what I do -- of course all this is what I USUALLY do, what I aim for. It's different with every one, natch, and none of it is mandatory. Best rule is, do what the poem needs, not what the form needs. I start with a clear picture in my head of a single thing I want to say or describe. I go over words and phrases, looking for ones that make me go "Aha!" about it. When I've got that in my head, I write down the most striking pair of syllables that say what I'm going to talk about. It's most effective if I can come up with something that's highly visual, but not absolutely necessary. I couldn't do that in this poem, but it came out ok. Now I've got four syllables to expand on it and, if I'm lucky, show the reader a nice sharp picture. That can be a challenge, but if I wasn't able to do it at the start, I try really hard to do it here. Most often I've got a head start on it from my ruminations in the first couple of steps. Now it's time for action. Third line almost always shows something moving, changing, growing, a feeling being created, that kind of thing. That's especially important if I didn't have movement as part of line two. The eight syllable line comes next, and it's the best place to build toward the climax. If I'm talking about feelings, here's where I describe 'em and expand on 'em. If I'm talking about things, like I was in this one, here's where I put in extra details that get ready for the finish. Speaking of finish, I've got two syllables to work with, and that means the end has to be a KABOOM. I either tie it back to the beginning, or say something climactic that leads the reader to think more about what I've been saying, or something important that I haven't said: "A boat?? What? Why? Who would....." Now comes the most important step: Forget all this and GO WRITE. That's what really I do. You'll be surprised how naturally these "steps" just seem to happen, and the organization works out this way on its own. Ms. Crapsey designed it to work that way, and it does. She was one of the greatest experts on metrics and short verse who ever lived. ~~(¸¸¸¸ºº> ~~(¸¸¸¸ºº> ~~(¸¸ ¸¸ºº> ~~~(¸¸ER¸¸ºº> |
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garysgirl
since 2002-09-29
Posts 19237Florida, USA |
Thanks.......  I went back to the workshop and read some of the threads back there. That's how I knew you had answered. This looks like it's as much fun as Senryu and Haiku. I still don't have those absolutely perfect, but I sure do like to try. Ethel |
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