Dying all over again in your arms

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Poetic Bard
Member

since 2003-01-22

Posts 84
Canada, BC

0 posted 2003-02-04 03:20 PM

Well, I'm at it again, I've found some time to come in, and try writing something that has NO commas. That's right, no commas. And if I miss some, well, I guess that's too bad and I hope someone will tell me if I did, lol. Anyway, enjoy the read everyone.

~Dying all over again in your arms~

I think I'm un-forgiven
To the gods that brought me here
For I never forgave them
For making me see you
And feel for you
As I do
While I sit here letting my heart
And soul
Love you as they do
I feel I'm
Dying all over again in your arms
To lose myself to your embrace
An embrace that should lead me to death
The death of the two things
That would give up everything
Just to hear you say
That you love me
That you feel the same way for me
And I continue breathing just to hear it
Holding onto every last breathe
As I slowly pass on through the vail of the shadow
Never to hear the words that I so long to hear
So it begins all over again
Again and again
Time and time again
Dying all over again in your arms
To remember those days when I used to believe
That I still had a chance to find the one
The one true love
That I would never doubt myself
That I would never question the possibility that
I would find,
Her,
but then you came
And took it all away from me
To try and make me see you instead of my seeing
How blinded I would be
To try and be
Yours
As my foolish heart longed to feel love
To feel that love still existed
That all the loss was not all for not
That not one moment was lost
So all over again
As if someone played it back time and time again
Just to see me
Dying all over again in your arms
As I wish I weren't
Dying all over again in your arms
As I foolishly feel that I love you
As I begin
Dying all over again in your arms
So that I might still believe that there was
Another dawn left for me to see
That there was another setting for me to share with
Her
The one that would truly,
Not foolishly,
Mean something to me
But fate it seems
Is crueller then reality
In the end of it all
For the reality of it is
That I've already feel the sweet surrender,
Of,
Dying all over again in your arms.

I tried not using commas. But in some areas it was all to apperent that it needed it. Anyways. This is just one of those poems to drain a certain emotion out of oneself. I still believe in true love, and that in the end of it all, we still find the one we are looking for. Anyway, hope all of the people who read this, enjoyed it.

I bleed, you all read, and may the blood never stop spilling for loss of emotion would be all too damning.
~Joel

the_loner_23
Member Ascendant

since 2002-06-08

Posts 5479
Jacksonville, Florida, USA

1 posted 2003-02-04 03:27 PM

Awesome

Cold hands means a warm heart

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

2 posted 2003-02-04 03:30 PM

Hurdle one. Lose a lot of commas! Now, where's that star when you need it....ahem.

Ok, now...let's break up some of these independent thought processes...

note, I've not changed a word...but watch...

~Dying all over again in your arms~

I think I'm un-forgiven
To the gods that brought me here
For I never forgave them
For making me see you
And feel for you
As I do
While I sit here letting my heart
And soul
Love you as they do

I feel I'm
Dying all over again in your arms
To lose myself to your embrace
An embrace that should lead me to death
The death of the two things
That would give up everything
Just to hear you say
That you love me
That you feel the same way for me

And I continue breathing just to hear it
Holding onto every last breathe
As I slowly pass on through the vail of the shadow
Never to hear the words that I so long to hear

So it begins all over again

Again and again
Time and time again
Dying all over again in your arms
To remember those days when I used to believe
That I still had a chance to find the one

The one true love

That I would never doubt myself
That I would never question the possibility that
I would find,

Her,

but then you came
And took it all away from me
To try and make me see you instead of my seeing
How blinded I would be
To try and be

Yours

As my foolish heart longed to feel love
To feel that love still existed
That all the loss was not all for not
That not one moment was lost

So all over again
As if someone played it back time and time again

Just to see me

Dying all over again in your arms
As I wish I weren't
Dying all over again in your arms
As I foolishly feel that I love you
As I begin
Dying all over again in your arms
So that I might still believe that there was

Another dawn left for me to see

That there was another setting for me to share with

Her

The one that would truly,
Not foolishly,
Mean something to me

But fate it seems
Is crueller then reality
In the end of it all

For the reality of it is

That I've already feel the sweet surrender
Of

Dying all over again in your arms.

[Next lesson? Losing some articles, and getting a hang of words like "naught"

Thanks again for letting me "help" for what help it might be...heaven knows, there are much better poets out there than I, who could be offering you a lot more assistance. Keep it up! I promise you'll only hate me a little!

]

Enchantress
Member Empyrean

since 2001-08-14

Posts 35113
Canada eh.

3 posted 2003-02-04 04:36 PM

Joel, this is truly a beautiful piece of writing....
and you are fortunate to have Sunshine take such a 'shine' to you and show you another way of presenting this wonderful write.

Looking forward to more...
~Hugs, Nancy~

~Time has cast a spell on you,
So you won't ever forget me~

Brad Majors

Member Elite

since 2001-04-03

Posts 2647
Georgia

4 posted 2003-02-04 04:48 PM

Beautiful write and very well done following critique by sunshine!

Poetic Bard
Member

since 2003-01-22

Posts 84
Canada, BC

5 posted 2003-02-04 05:45 PM

Well Sunshine, as much as it seems it may annoy me, for in some ways, it nearly does. I can see that you are trying to point (or kick, depending on how stuborn I am) me in the right direction. So, I thank ye.

And I'm glad the rest o' you liked the poem. Thanks ever so kindly.

I bleed, you all read, and may the blood never stop spilling for loss of emotion would be all too damning.
~Joel

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