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Open Poetry #24
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Jonah (draft)
| Open Poetry #24 |
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Jonah (draft) |
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Ratleader
since 2003-01-23
Posts 7026Visiting Earth on a Guest Pass 
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I give up. Posted this a day ago in the "Critical Analysis" forum but haven't drawn a single response there. So it's back to "Open Poetry" I go. Problem is, I'm at a loss about this one. I simply don't know what to do with it, what to change/cut/expand, if anything. I've shown it to Martie and one other poet I know, and they've given me some good feedback, but I'd like to have as many viewpoints as I can before I start to rewrite it. I want this one to be as good as I can make it, so that means heartless editing all the way. What should I do with this poem? Any comments of any kind will be most welcome. Ratleader Jonah The whole town has come out to drag the boats Into the water, gawking at the dead man That the storm washed in. I hear the shock Go through them as I rise to stumble up the Gravel bar, still retching from the stench and salt. The tide is low, but still the reek of fish Embedded in my nostrils overpowers all. What shall I say to them? What say, Abomination that I am, thrown overboard by sailors, Then rejected even by the fish? I sickened it, And how shall I not sicken them as well? What shall I say to them, how see what I must say, I with no rights here, neither parents nor a history, Children nor a future, my naked skin burned raw By fish guts and the sun? What shall I say? How start, where I cannot abide, to say what I Cannot abide, and they will not abide? How bring them Toward what they must be already lest they slay me? What shall I say, I, sent here with a message, For a message, as a message? They draw back, And I have reached the boats, but still they stare, For I am naked to the skin, beyond the skin, Pierced by their eyes. What shall I say here? I, a freak to them, a spectacle, how begin? “Behold!” |
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| © Copyright 2003 Ed Ratledge - All Rights Reserved | |||
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mirror man Senior Member
since 2001-01-08
Posts 814 |
Okay, but only because you asked. I would delete the last line "Behold" since they're already looking. The rest of it is good the way it is. Enjoyed this. |
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passing shadows Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577displaced |
nothing that I say will really make any sense tonight....I just don't get into heartless editing...I only write what I feel, and may make a few changes here and there, but overall I am satisfied with what comes out...in mine, and everyone else's too |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
Our trusty Critical Analysis folk will find their way to you - It's just a slower paced forum... Erstwhile - I'll run a hard copy of this post and take it to school with me. I'm sure I can find a few unobtrusive minutes to peruse & contribute some thoughts...Tune in later...  |
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Ratleader
since 2003-01-23
Posts 7026Visiting Earth on a Guest Pass |
Holy Cow! Thanks, Nan! Guess I should be more patient, but I've been thinking that nobody commented on it because they all thought it sucked..... ~~(¸¸¸¸ºº> ~~(¸¸¸¸ºº> ~~(¸¸ ¸¸ºº> ~~~(¸¸ER¸¸ºº> |
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Seymour Tabin Member Empyrean
since 1999-07-07
Posts 31720Tamarac Fla |
Ratleader I'd say leave it to Nan, she's good at this. |
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Ratleader
since 2003-01-23
Posts 7026Visiting Earth on a Guest Pass |
Okee, I'll just zen-out and watch the Orange County snow...... Every year at about this time the trees on my street get covered with little white flowers, petals about the size of your little fingernail.... and when they fall it covers the ground with a sprinkling of white, that doesn't melt even in the sunshine...... |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Quit making me homesick, Ed.... I tried to give this poem a go, but got waylaid. Let's let NAN do it...she'll work on it and you'll be pleased with her feedback! |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
The pressure's on....  ... and... I want some snowdrops like that...  |
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garysgirl 
since 2002-09-29
Posts 19237Florida, USA |
Ed, since you're new, you may not know that Nan is our "teacher" of poetry at Passions In Poetry. So.......we'll see what our expert comes up with for you. . . . If you've read any of my posts, (sometimes I don't even call what I write "poetry"), you will know that I know nothing about form or other technicalities of writing poetry. I do the way others have said.......I only write what I feel from my heart....sometimes it turns out in pretty good form, other times not. I always wish I could do better, though. I just don't think I know enough about the art of poetry to even join in on Nan's Poetry Classes. Anyway, I love writing. It's good therapy for me. . . . . Well, I can see that you're enjoying it here. And, again, welcome to our "family of friends" here at Passions. ~Ethel....garysgirl~  |
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Ratleader
since 2003-01-23
Posts 7026Visiting Earth on a Guest Pass |
Yo garysgirl -- You know more than you know. A poet is, after all, someone who likes toying with word pictures because they sound cool and make you feel shivery if they're put together just right...... All the malarky about form and style and ponderous messages is just window dressing to that. You can have fun and play good chess without having memorized the first 30 moves in all variations of the Karo-Cann Defence, and you can write good poetry without knowing the ins and outs of foregrounding by metrical variation (a subject I studied under the very Professor Milton Rich who my earlier poem was about, by the way).... The knowledge helps in the long run, but without the fundamental desire to just play with words and the feelings they arouse, it's a pointless exercise. ~~(¸¸¸¸ºº> ~~(¸¸¸¸ºº> ~~(¸¸ ¸¸ºº> ~~~(¸¸ER¸¸ºº> |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
Besides.... Who says I know anything more than anyone else here.. Just because I said I'd look it over doesn't mean the rest of you don't have equally valid opinions... So give Ed some feedback, you Passionate folk... Ed - I did peruse... I'll email you in the morning - That's my designated thinking time... Nighttime is exclusively for brain sloshing.. And - I'd love to see both of you in the workshop - Ethel - Stop in (I happen to enjoy your work).. and Ed... (hyperbolic ellipses here).... I've approved you for posting in the workshop... Feel free to drop by...  [This message has been edited by Nan (01-29-2003 09:33 PM).] |
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Ratleader
since 2003-01-23
Posts 7026Visiting Earth on a Guest Pass |
YEEEEHAAAAA!!!! I BE DERE!!! ~~(¸¸¸¸ºº> ~~(¸¸¸¸ºº> ~~(¸¸ ¸¸ºº> ~~~(¸¸ER¸¸ºº> |
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