Description! ( free verse and I do mean free)

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Le Capitan de L'Amour
Member

since 2000-07-15

Posts 60

0 posted 2002-12-18 08:49 AM

To describe your body with so much beauty,
yet so much complexity in your anatomy is easy to explain.
Your skin is as sweet as fresh honey from the bee hive,your cinnamon skin,your black straight hair, your angelical face, like an angel is your perfection, your legs smooth and soft as feathers, your heart beats in a fast rythm with anxiety to know the thing you dont. To me you are as light as cotton, like the air that I breath this very moment, I breath your perfume of pheromones that craze me and dulls my defences.
To find your love I would die, to find your love I would revive myself and my sou, your are the saint of my devotion, yet you are like a huracane of passion, your character is like the eye of the huracane calm and beautiful, but if I try to escape your eye I find anger and winds of sadness from the loneliness that surrounds you, and because of this I write to you. So that your understanding of the complexities of woman that makes them so beatiful, the secret to knowing love is to know your emotions.

Le Capitan de L'Amour
Member

since 2000-07-15

Posts 60

1 posted 2002-12-18 10:02 AM

I know that this poem doesnt make sense, its all because it has lost its meaning when I traslated it from spanish to english, but at least you people can give me some ideas!

Professor Gloom
Member Elite

since 2000-07-23

Posts 3082
of Depression

2 posted 2002-12-18 10:04 AM

Two words
Structure, spellchecker
Even prose, which this is closer to than poetry,
Has structure.
Poetry has a greater need for it than prose,
So find a better form.
Example:
To describe
your body with so much beauty,
yet so much complexity
in your anatomy (it) is easy to explain.
Your skin is as sweet as fresh honey
from the bee hive,
your cinnamon skin,
your black straight hair,
your angelical face,
like an angel is your perfection,
your legs smooth and soft as feathers,
your heart beats in a fast rhythm
with anxiety to know the thing you don’t.
(just added line breaks and corrected spelling)
This make the read easier,
Controls the flow
And gives the reader a chance to grasp your meanings.
Otherwise it just looks like a couple of standard paragraphs from a love letter.

Gloom

Connel

Senior Member

since 2002-11-04

Posts 736
Florida, USA

3 posted 2002-12-18 10:07 AM

good poem.. thanks for sharing.

I wish to become a great poet some day, but it will only come in time. Til then, I shall write my poems, and wait.

regards2you
Member Elite

since 2002-10-01

Posts 3940
California

4 posted 2002-12-18 10:10 AM

I cannot critique my own, let alone yours, but I think your last line is quite wise.

Hugs and warm regards, Pat

..without surrender, be on good terms with all persons..
"Desiderata"

Earth Angel
Member Empyrean

since 2002-08-27

Posts 40215
Realms of Light

5 posted 2002-12-18 10:13 AM

This is love--in any language! I enjoyed this mucho! Gracias!

Earth Angel

Cpat Hair

Member Patricius

since 2001-06-05

Posts 11793

6 posted 2002-12-18 10:15 AM

I would agree with Gloom... and with a translation from one language to another it is often neccessary to retructure the flow of words so they indeed read as they should and th eidea is conveyed. Structure..line breaks help the readeer to focus and make it easier to read.

some nice images in this...they just for me anyway get lost in the format.

Midnitesun

Member Empyrean

since 2001-05-18

Posts 28647
Gaia

7 posted 2002-12-18 10:30 AM

I don't think you lost anything important in translation. Minor changes in format would definitely make it easier to read, and enhance the flow, but your thoughts came through nicely.
Welcome to poetry land.

JamesMichael
Member Empyrean

since 1999-11-16

Posts 33336
Kapolei, Hawaii, USA

8 posted 2002-12-18 10:43 PM

Enjoyed...James

passing shadows
Member Empyrean

since 1999-08-26

Posts 45577
displaced

9 posted 2002-12-19 01:55 AM

beautiful and the images are vivid.

garysgirl

Member Laureate

since 2002-09-29

Posts 19237
Florida, USA

10 posted 2002-12-19 02:07 AM

I really enjoyed the way you described your love.
Like Pat, I don't know enough about the structures of poetry to be a critique, but from what I could understand, LOVE seems to be the same in any language.
Thank you for sharing your love poem with us.

"Love makes the world go around"
~~with love and hugs from Ethel~~

Mistletoe Angel

Member Empyrean

since 2000-12-17

Posts 32816
Portland, Oregon

11 posted 2002-12-19 03:24 AM

(smiles) Oh my gosh, I believe when it comes to love it is never supposed to make sense and that is what makes this so beautiful and so surreal and dreamy! (big hugggsssssss) May the emotions always bring smiles to your face, sweet friend, yay, God Bless You, it is so great to see you crossing over from Teen to here, we all love you so much! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet friend, thank you for sharing!

May love and light always shine upon you!

Love,
Noah Eaton

"Underneath your clothes there's an endless story..."

Shakira

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