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Open Poetry #24
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pony break
| Open Poetry #24 |
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pony break |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738
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children run in pony break unruly hooves backhoe the field a storm of dust for heaven's sake as land leaves larks of light on bronze. A meadow in the mind of child clover mocks the sky of cloud patterns in the wonder-why as tiny mighty fists beat chest. See the tunneling of light? This is not a trick of mind nor I think a speck of dust... it is a child of total trust-- Jacob's Ladder in my sky... always just a stride ahead I saw the bottoms of your feet undergrassed of innocence parting sea of infamy as only quivering leaves trail. Where once a river boasted wide pebbles glistened winking lies and there was but a creek divide-- cast the bones-- apologize before you note each broken twig. You there on the other side hands on hip in stance of laugh... Me here I will keep my stride with level gaze of eye meet you-- "Let's dance." [This message has been edited by serenity blaze (01-08-2003 04:06 AM).] |
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| © Copyright 2003 serenity blaze - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Kethry Member Rara Avis
since 2000-07-29
Posts 9082Victoria Australia |
serenity, this is wonderful! - So full of children's voices filled with laughter and promise. Kethry Here in the midst of my lonely abyss, a single joy I find...your presence in my mind. Unknown |
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Astro Member
since 2003-01-08
Posts 69Ca. |
I like the imagery in your poem.Unlike many authors, you understand what it is to show rather than just tell. You wanted to convey a concept of innocence, youth and vigor and you did so. I think what takes away from the quality of your poem are the cliches. "For heaven's sake" is an example. Also, i didn't understand your reference to Jacob's Ladder. I saw the movie of the same name and as I understand, Jacob's Ladder was a drug that lowered soldiers to their most primal instinct: fear. Is this what you meant? |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
You brought back a memory... HUGS! |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Keth, I thank you much...I haven't been reading much I fear, but I tho enjoyed your potht ath well!  Astro? Thank you myfriend, for reading with care, I encourage critique--but I think I shall keep the cliche' "for heaven's sake" as it is something that gives a tone of speaking to a child, or that a child might say. And Jacob's Ladder is three references, none of them drugs. One is a scriptural reference, the other is a garden plant that boasts blue flowers, and the third is a child's game. Thank you much for your careful attention! |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
and Kari sneaked in on me...you!  thank you |
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garysgirl  
since 2002-09-29
Posts 19237Florida, USA |
Karen, I always like your poetry, because you do paint a picture with words of whatever subject you write of.....  BTW, I think me better go change my "critique" box right now, don't you? Becaaaausseeeee....well, just because !!??!!  "Love makes the world go around" |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
chuckling at ethel... you are a doll... and yanno? normally I simply try to write whatever I am feeling, so for a change I thought I'd challenge myself to write on a theme of opposite...so naturally? I chose...INNOCENCE!  Thanks lady e! |
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Aenimal Member Rara Avis
since 2002-11-18
Posts 7350the ass-end of space |
love to watch you dance..  [This message has been edited by Aenimal (01-09-2003 02:32 AM).] |
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vlraynes Member Rara Avis
since 2000-07-25
Posts 8229Somewhere... out there... |
Karen~ LOL @ you choosing 'innocence' as your opposite. This brought a smile to my face tonight..thank you. Hugs, ~Vicky "...until you have read the verse on his heart, you have not truly met the poet. ~vlraynes [This message has been edited by vlraynes (01-21-2003 03:20 AM).] |
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Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049California |
serenity--You see the joy with the child still in you...loved this! |
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Connel
since 2002-11-04
Posts 736Florida, USA |
Gooood poem. Enjoyed the read. I wish to become a great poet some day, but it will only come in time. Til then, I shall write my poems, and wait. |
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Mistletoe Angel
since 2000-12-17
Posts 32816Portland, Oregon |
(sigh) Oh Karen, this is lovely, sweet friend, the child still shines in you always so put another coin in the carousel, yay, we all love you so much! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet Karen, thank you for sharing!  May love and light always shine upon you! Love, Noah Eaton "Underneath your clothes there's an endless story..." |
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bsquirrel
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855 |
I like how you smile. |
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