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Spiritual Journeys #2
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Going to Hell (unfinished rough draft)
| Spiritual Journeys #2 |
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Going to Hell (unfinished rough draft) |
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davidmerriman Member
since 2003-04-30
Posts 123Dallas, TX |
Arranged in lines, us battered souls march on, To undisclosed locations far away. For failing tribulation burdens strong, Our backs they crack like sunrays through the gray. We still march on, though failed we did the test. Now never will we eternally rest. A stench infests the air in which we breathed, With groans of death that swell within the ear. Exploding throats of those who were decieved, The sights and sounds of those that Hell draws near. We watch the flames that lick and lap the shore, For lakes of phospur burn forever more. Magnesium in water that we drink, - A dark, cold fire that burns our every pore. With sight and taste the breath of death and stink Surrounds this land of waste that I abhor. But yet my soul is blinded by a blight Too dark for any rational insight. And in this blur of evil dismal dark, Distinguished sights and sounds cannot be formed. Remembering of Heralds and their Hark, For never was this hidden God adorned. Salvation is too far away to sense, In Hell, my soul will lie forever hence. Could I have seen His glory until now, Or known that words of men could mean so much? Could I believe the powers He endowed Those Holy men who's God's hand did once touch? Now looking back it matters not, I'm damned. My swirling soul into the fire it slammed. -- what do you think, and is this iambic pentameter? |
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| © Copyright 2003 David Merriman - All Rights Reserved | |||
Joyce Johnson
since 2001-03-10
Posts 9912Washington State |
Yes, iambic Pentameter it is. Ten syllables per line, accent on every second syllable. I just stopped by out of my garden and I have not time to check every line, but I think you have. Very nice. I think the line should be we battered souls not us souls otherwise very good.Joyce [This message has been edited by Joyce Johnson (05-22-2003 08:15 PM).] |
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mysticpoe Senior Member
since 2003-02-28
Posts 883 |
hi David, if my memory serves me correctly. iambic pentameter is when the last word of every other line ryhmes. Your poetry grabs emotion from all sides as you journey into the essence of your work. I have a pretty good idea re: the true meaning behind this poem. Let me know if you would like a response. mysticpoe |
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LoveBug
Moderator
Member Elite
since 2000-01-08
Posts 4697 |
What strong and disturbing images! It's very vivid... a powerful message it sends! Your iambic pentameter is pretty good, you drop it a couple of times, but all in all it's good  Oh, make me Thine forever |
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GG Member Elite
since 2002-12-03
Posts 3532Lost in thought |
this is so real. Sure seems to be the kind of thing that'd 'scare the hell outta someone!' I'm glad I know that I'm going to heaven. I just wish more people would realise the reality and the pure desolation, regret, and torture, of Hell. Well done. Always, Alyssa - And so it was that time stood still - |
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LayItDown Member
since 2003-05-17
Posts 94 |
You are exactly where you need to be. It is only there from whence God draws His elect. Love, LayItDown |
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Mistletoe Angel
since 2000-12-17
Posts 32816Portland, Oregon |
 (big hugggsssssss) Now coming across your original draft, I can recognize the differences and can see how you polished the stressed and unstressed rhymes and conveyed the pessimistic vision of this particular believer in a more direct nature! (sigh) This is powerful, dearest friend, we all love you so much! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet David, thank you for sharing! May love and light always shine upon you! Love, Noah Eaton Underneath your clothes, there's an endless story |
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