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brian madden
Member Elite

since 2000-05-06

Posts 4374
ireland

0 posted 2002-10-22 07:09 PM

In the awakening
of since sedated senses
you were my azure princess,
part of unspoken passions
all black and crimson,
in our bodies aching.

Before you I smothered
beneath despondent covers,
kept me under thumb
crumbling to virgin snow,
in sorrow's blood that runs
through the streets below,
I found and lost all purpose
In you; my winter mistress.

Once within those twenty four
Months, one for every hour
That my mind paused with you.
I was the heart of your flesh,
and the cause of your damp dress,
clung all black and crimson,
together so intense our passion,
that we broke in two.

----------------------------
This started as a rewriting of an old love poem posted in Open 9, /pip/Forum33/HTML/002968.html
I only wanted to do some brief editting on the poem but my muse had other ideas and decided to completely rewrite the poem and update it.
The dedication remains as does the place in my heart. "always"

The ladders of life that we scale merrily Move mysteriously around So that when you think you're climbing up, man In fact you're climbing down-Nick ca

[This message has been edited by brian madden (10-22-2002 08:32 PM).]

Janet Marie
Member Laureate

since 2000-01-22

Posts 18554

1 posted 2002-10-22 07:41 PM

Once within those twenty four
Months, one for every hour
That my mind paused with you.
I was the heart of your flesh,
and the cause of your damp dress,
clung all black and crimson,
together so intense our passion,
that we broke in two.
=================================

damn..................................

*speechless moth*

Robert Adamson
Member

since 2002-10-21

Posts 328
PA/USA

2 posted 2002-10-22 08:21 PM

I was encouraged by so much passion in one little poem. The title reinforces the appeal of passion and feel the ending was very predictable and I like your choice of words...that we broke in two. Thank you.

etoodog

Martie

Moderator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-09-21

Posts 28049
California

3 posted 2002-10-22 08:38 PM

brian

I'm with Janet Marie!

Corinne
Member Ascendant

since 1999-10-28

Posts 5167
state of confusion

4 posted 2002-10-22 10:48 PM

You've transcended into an even finer writer, and that ain't no flattery.

Cor

Christopher

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 1999-08-02

Posts 8296
Purgatorial Incarceration

5 posted 2002-10-22 11:39 PM

Honesty: Check out the alliteration in the first few lines of S1 - feels a bit overdone, though I think you may have done that on purpose. Just wanted to draw your attention to it.

quote:
I was the heart of your flesh,
and the cause of your damp dress,
clung all black and crimson,

AWESOME lines, seriously. I could nitpick and suggest the removal of "all," but it rocks either way.

This has a LOT going for it Brian. Good to see your muse returning, I've always appreciated your (her) words.

C

FuzzyFrazzledFraggle
Member

since 2002-09-20

Posts 155
Fraggle Rock

6 posted 2002-10-22 11:43 PM

I'm not going to flatter you or fuzz you in any way shape or form but this was heartfelt..but maybe your muse is finally coming around!? your words are caught right here..deep within..I think I'm seriously about to cry..I'm sorry..

Consider yourself fuzzed

brian madden
Member Elite

since 2000-05-06

Posts 4374
ireland

7 posted 2002-10-23 03:44 PM

Jan, you must have rhyme senses, lol
All I can say THanks, eveagator

Robert, thanks for all your kind words, was a little puzzled by your comment "feel the ending was very predictable" in the context of the rest of the poem. I guess the sense of doom is there from the first verse and the poem runs through to it only logical ending. Anyway thanks.

Martie thanks

Corinne, blushing.. thanks

Chris, yeah the alliteration was intentional.
In tHe orgianl text on which this poem was based, the line read " awakening of long sedated senses." The orginal text written at the start of the relationship, and this version written in an uncertain period, the line chances from being hopeful to being pessimistic.

I thought about changing the word "sedated" but for me "sedated" worked, and then there was the internal rhyme of "since" and "princess."

"This has a LOT going for it Brian" yeah I know it has some way to go, but it was written in in one sitting in about two hours
late last night. You didn't say anything about the rhyme, I must be improving or else you've given up hope on me LOL THanks for the honesty.

Triple F, I seem to have this ability of making women cry. HUgs.. and thanbks for the heartfelt reply.

The ladders of life that we scale merrily Move mysteriously around So that when you think you're climbing up, man In fact you're climbing down-Nick ca

Christopher

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 1999-08-02

Posts 8296
Purgatorial Incarceration

8 posted 2002-10-23 07:47 PM

I can say without any douubt Brian, that in the time since I've been reading your work, you have grown immensely. And to think, you weren't bad in the first place.

Janet Marie
Member Laureate

since 2000-01-22

Posts 18554

9 posted 2002-10-23 07:59 PM

Once within those twenty four
Months, one for every hour
That my mind paused with you.
I was the heart of your flesh,
and the cause of your damp dress,
clung all black and crimson,
together so intense our passion,
that we broke in two.
=================================

needed to read this again....
No...needed to FEEL this one again....

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