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Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

0 posted 2002-10-20 07:48 AM

Death Be Not Black

                      Nay, shall I not look 'pon
                      Death as black, black as this silk

                      laid over thy looking glass,
                      nor black as the pillow
                      'neath your head
                      stark against this white
                      of thee's last bed

                      but reflect 'pon thy crimson rose
                      lying there

                      Nay, this demise be but
                      sweet release, my love,
                      as thy flight t'ward
                      that next life shall be thy
                      sweeter reward
                      than thou hast here
                      in this day's long shadows

                      but faint scent of thy crushed crimson rose
                      shall linger on

                      and only white shall greet
                      thy sight as thou wing
                      on t'ward heaven

~*~

Repost, slightly revised

[This message has been edited by Sunshine (10-20-2002 08:09 AM).]

garysgirl

Member Laureate

since 2002-09-29

Posts 19237
Florida, USA

1 posted 2002-10-20 08:35 AM

Karilea, you have a wonderful way of writing something beautiful about all things...even "Death". Thanks for sharing.
Love To All,
Ethel

Enchantress
Member Empyrean

since 2001-08-14

Posts 35113
Canada eh.

2 posted 2002-10-20 09:08 AM

Beautiful Karilea...
I especially liked the last stanza...
lovely words, indeed.
~Hugs dear lady~

~ Time has cast a spell on you
So you won't ever forget me ~

SmartChick
Member Rara Avis

since 2001-09-23

Posts 7081
On A Journey To The Unknown

3 posted 2002-10-20 09:26 AM

Beauitful Karilea! You can indeed write about anything and make it sound beautiful.

Alicia
Member

since 2002-03-22

Posts 279

4 posted 2002-10-20 11:10 AM

~There is much to learn from you K,...this is so delicate, so peaceful, if ever such a thing/time can be. Thank you for your poems. *Peace.

Crazy Eddie
Member

since 2002-09-14

Posts 178

5 posted 2002-10-20 11:24 AM

Sunshine,

I’m not sure I like this too much, archaic language use is fine in context but generally fails to work for several reasons. The main problem stems from a failure to convince the reader that the piece isn’t just a modern attempt to mimic a dead language and gain credence as a poem by default. Misuse of the ubiquitous and obligatory thy and thee’s are the first obvious pointers, inclusion of words that are relevant to modern language but would have been foreign to the ears of poets at that time are another. All this leaves a feeling of plasticity which tends to distract the reader (this one at least) from the poem itself.

Only my opinion of course.

[This message has been edited by Crazy Eddie (10-20-2002 11:25 AM).]

Seymour Tabin
Member Empyrean

since 1999-07-07

Posts 31720
Tamarac Fla

6 posted 2002-10-20 11:24 AM

Karilea,
you are shining bright this morning. Enjoyed

RSWells
Member Elite

since 2001-06-17

Posts 2533

7 posted 2002-10-20 12:59 PM

Black in deaths mourning was for those close to the deceased a way to be anonymous so that death would not be lured to them. I enjoyed the allusions and of course the period feel to this.

Mistletoe Angel

Member Empyrean

since 2000-12-17

Posts 32816
Portland, Oregon

8 posted 2002-10-20 01:05 PM

(smiles) Wow, I just love this, sweet friend, even death has a residue of hope that streams from ones whispers and the flowers they leave behind with a voice that echoes on and on! (big hugggsssss) This is loveky, sweet friend, we all love you so much! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet Karilea, thank you for sharing!

May love and light always shine upon you!

Love,
Noah Eaton

"Underneath your clothes there's an endless story..."

Shakira

regards2you
Member Elite

since 2002-10-01

Posts 3940
California

9 posted 2002-10-20 06:45 PM

Karilea, I appreciated Crazy Eddie's reply only in that what he is ~teaching~ you (less the thys and thees which I don't use) is exactly what I tried to explain to you after you critiqued one of my poems, though you didn't reply back to me, after four frustrating attempts by me for clarification from you.

I didn't take your scant advice for had I, my piece would have been
counterfeit, no matter the seeming quality.

I do not have the educational background to know if Eddie is correct in his assessment of this poem.

But, the essence of what he is saying is exactly what I meant regarding the writing of my own poetry. I hope you understand the point. Re, this poem I couldn't see it well; too large for my 19" TV/WebTV - knocked my eyes out trying to view it..Sincerely, Pat

..without surrender, be on good terms with all persons..
"Desiderata"

Earth Angel
Member Empyrean

since 2002-08-27

Posts 40215
Realms of Light

10 posted 2002-10-21 04:14 PM

Karilea, I enjoy reading poetry that sounds as though it were written in another era.

No poem will be received or interpreted in the same manner by all of its readers. Vive la difference! Personally, I found your words to be eloquently and beautifully expressed and very comforting. It is one of the most peaceful and hopeful poems on death that I have ever read and I am saving this fine piece of writing in my library.

luvya
Linda

Madame Chipmunk
Member Rara Avis

since 2001-12-05

Posts 8296
Michigan

11 posted 2002-10-21 04:51 PM

I find this rather comforting, Karilea...
and you wrote it so perfectly too!

~ loving hugs

Lyra

copyright2002 Lyra Nesius

"poetry is life distilled" Gwendolyn Brooks

WhileIWasGone
Member

since 2002-07-18

Posts 486

12 posted 2002-10-21 05:24 PM

WOW This is so beautiful...enjoyed very much.

DeaDiAmore

Kethry
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-07-29

Posts 9082
Victoria Australia

13 posted 2002-10-21 05:51 PM

Kari,
I remember this, I remember how it inspired me before and is likely to do so again. Thank you for revising and re-posting.
Kethry

Here in the midst of my lonely abyss, a single joy I find...your presence in my mind. Unknown

Dark Angel
Member Patricius

since 1999-08-04

Posts 10095

14 posted 2002-10-21 06:06 PM

Very beautiful Karilea

Maree.

p.s adding to my library

Larry C

Member Patricius

since 2001-09-10

Posts 10286
United States

15 posted 2002-10-21 06:10 PM

Karilea,
Hmmmm, I thought your critique message was to allow remarks about the impact of your poetry. I don't recall you giving consent to be critiqued for style or content. Regardless...

The joy of your poetry for me is its uniqueness. It is not a style I have any ability to write. As for the thee's and thou's, they are fond memories of the KJV scriptures my parents read to me as a child. And since there is much religious about the process of death I find your style here to be exceptionally appropriate. But then again that is the opinion of one with no poetic education whatsoever. Simply my heart speaking of a very personal experience with loss and how your words touch my breaking heart. Bless you, always.

If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane, I'd walk right up to heaven and bring you home again.

vandana

Member Patricius

since 1999-10-22

Posts 10463
USA

16 posted 2002-10-21 06:56 PM

enjoyed

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

17 posted 2002-12-11 01:31 PM

garysgirl, thank you for seeing it this way. Unfortunately, most of my poetry seems to come in line of a lesson...

even if only to me!

Enchantress, I liked the last stanza, too.  Thank you!

SmartChick...what a NICE thing to say!  Thank you!

Alicia, do you suppose I'm a frustrated teacher?

Crazy Eddie, thank you.  I still have a long way to go in order to get back to the write of then.

Sy, when I beam on you, every day is a good day.  Thank you!

Richard, I wear black almost every day.  What do you suppose I am subconsciously saying?  Hmmm...I've got to figure that puzzle out soon!

Thank you so much, Noah!

Thank you for that information, Pat.  Sorry I missed the post you are referring to.  I cannot always get back to the posts on which I leave a message.  But I do appreciate your advice, as well as Eddie's.

Linda, yes.  I believe we all work hard to improve our own poetry, and of course mine is no exception at all.  Over the course of my years here at Passions, I've learned my strong points, as well as my weak points.  I keep trying to work on the weak side, when I should probably just trash 9/10ths of my stuff and work on my strong points only.  But then...I'd be very predictable, wouldn't I?  Aye, there's the rub!

Lyra, for some reason, I found comfort in knowing that you read this.  Thank you!

Thank you, Dea!

Kethry, just as you inspire me, sometimes that is all I can hope to do.  Inspire another.  Thank you!

Thank you Maree.

Ah Larry, bless YOU!

Thank you, Vandana!

gemjop
Member Elite

since 2002-11-18

Posts 2587
Pencilveinia, USA

18 posted 2004-06-06 03:16 PM

a beautiful keeper. not knowing what to say here.....

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