My life (a plea) - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

GG
Member Elite

since 2002-12-03

Posts 3532
Lost in thought

0 posted 2002-12-07 04:37 PM

My life to live, a hope is lost.
The pain began and still has tossed.
The ocean I’m in, it’s vast and deep.
The mountains to climb are terribly steep.

When will this, it end and finish?
When will these scars start to diminish?
The pain I’m in, it tears apart;
A hole is left within my heart.

So now I drift here in this ocean.
It hurts to speak, and even the motion
Brings hideous pain and tremendous anguish.
Oh God right now I want it to finish.

Come by my side and with me stay,
Only by You can I endure one more day.
A future You say You have for me?
But there’s only one thing God, of which I plea.

Cannot You grant this simple wish
And restore to me my joyfulness?
I know God that you have a plan,
But this has eaten at me since it began.

And now I’m left with only You
All else has failed, not seen me through.
So You say You’ll stay here and help me float?
Even better God, could You bring a boat?

I want to get out of this ocean, these waves.
For a grain of sand is what I’ve been made.
Once strong and firm but now left weak;
With a hole inside me I bear a leak.

Patch it up God, make me new.
Let Your will be done and only few
Pains and scrapes, Lord mold me now;
Shape me to a vessel so that all wonder how.

A faith that moves mountains is what I wish for.
A request to You I pleadingly set at your door,
And I bow to your throne. Thank you God;
For now, with You, I again can trod.

(this was actually written when I was late 13 or early 14, I hadn't been writing for long)

Kethry
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-07-29

Posts 9082
Victoria Australia

1 posted 2002-12-07 05:04 PM

GG,
this is an emotional poem that generally reads well, however there are a few spots where the rhyme seems forced eg "when will this, it end and finish," perhaps "when will this all cease or finish" might be smoother.

I like the way you rhyme anguish with finish in the second stanza. Loved the, "could you bring me a boat" line, it shows an unexpected wryness.

"Shape me to a vessel so all wonder how" sounds unfinished and may be better mid verse rather than at the end.

The last line is good but doesn't actually make sense. You might want to try playing with it. I would have written something like this, but I am not you. "for though I was weary, in your footsteps I trod."

Kethry

Here in the midst of my lonely abyss, a single joy I find...your presence in my mind. Unknown

GG
Member Elite

since 2002-12-03

Posts 3532
Lost in thought

2 posted 2002-12-07 05:16 PM

Thanks much! I like those suggestions, especially for the last line since trod is such a past tense thing.

ah and the Could you bring me a boat line, its my favorite too!

It always makes me laugh, I never want to lose humor!

Thanks again.
Always, GG

- And so it was that time stood still -

regards2you
Member Elite

since 2002-10-01

Posts 3940
California

3 posted 2002-12-07 08:53 PM

GG,

I enjoyed this a great deal. Interesting, how one so young could have had knowledge of God working in one's life, and to write of such....

So glad you shared this with us.

Warm regards, Pat

..without surrender, be on good terms with all persons..
"Desiderata"

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.