winter moment (haiku) - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

Ryan
Member

since 1999-06-10

Posts 297
Kansas

0 posted 2002-12-06 01:06 PM

church bells and
cop sirens break
the morning frost's silence

[This message has been edited by Ryan (12-06-2002 01:07 PM).]

VAS
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-11-16

Posts 7450
Oregon

1 posted 2002-12-06 02:26 PM

Vivid! It departs from the 5-7-5 and nature parameters, but it is a highly vivid scene in sight and sound!

Whether on the shoal or on the shore,
I'll seek the lighthouse evermore.

Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

2 posted 2002-12-06 03:36 PM

Nah VAS... it's fine for the nature parameters, 'cause it's a description entirely of nature... the "nature" of the city is still nature.

I do think it could be squeezed into the 5-7-5 though.

Cpat Hair

Member Patricius

since 2001-06-05

Posts 11793

3 posted 2002-12-06 03:44 PM

yes, I think it could be squeezed in the 5-7-5 format and still maintain its hint of stark and not be overdone..

it is a good start

regards2you
Member Elite

since 2002-10-01

Posts 3940
California

4 posted 2002-12-06 03:54 PM

I don't know the rules as well as the others, but I do know I like this...
reminds me of standing on corner of a city street on a cold Sunday morning.

How about twenty or less????? Don't know those rules either, but assumed it is literal....

Enjoyed, Warmest regards, Pat

..without surrender, be on good terms with all persons..
"Desiderata"

Earth Angel
Member Empyrean

since 2002-08-27

Posts 40215
Realms of Light

5 posted 2002-12-06 04:55 PM

Ryan, I love the contrasting sounds! This was dynamic and a piece of realism! I can picture it! I can hear it!

Great job!

EA

scorpio
Member Ascendant

since 2002-10-02

Posts 5178
right...there

6 posted 2002-12-06 04:59 PM

Images and sounds live in this write...nicely done..

believe in what your heart feels...

Pilgrimage
Member Elite

since 2001-12-04

Posts 3945
Texas, USA

7 posted 2002-12-06 05:02 PM

I like it. It's chilly and evocative.

Nan (Pilgrim variety)

Ryan
Member

since 1999-06-10

Posts 297
Kansas

8 posted 2002-12-07 05:20 PM

When I wrote this, I intended frost to work as the season word. Maybe it wasn't enough. Thanks for the kind words.

Ryan

(does anyone else notice that if you highlight the smiley faces, they became sad faces?)

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.