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| Open Poetry #23 |
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inkedgoddess Member Rara Avis
since 2002-11-19
Posts 7392Ohio 
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this haunting whisper in the depth of the night, shadows cast on moonlight, a veil on its face, i pine away for the unknown lover lurking in the darkness |
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| © Copyright 2002 inkedgoddess - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Seymour Tabin Member Empyrean
since 1999-07-07
Posts 31720Tamarac Fla |
inkedgoddess Who knows what is in the darkness. LOL enjoyed. |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
like the idea in this...but it seems to be lacking something...I read it and read it again. Then starting rewriting it in my head to be free verse...and realized that was a bit presumptious of me. Anyway.... it says you encourage critigues.. and mine is that this fall flat in part because it is a bit disjointed in image and the images used don't really grab the reader... I do like the idea... hope I haven't offended... |
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inkedgoddess Member Rara Avis
since 2002-11-19
Posts 7392Ohio |
no baby, you havent.......... like i said, us brooklyn chicks could take it.........anyhow, i think i was sipping too much vino this morning when i wrote it, so if you have any suggetsions for improvement, bring it on..........i looked again and it is convuluted, altho i know what i meant.......but i will try to redo also. thanks.......:} |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
(chuckling) SO you gonna watch my lines as well huh.... well I can take it too so bring it on... I may or may not follow any advice given, but I'm always up for a listen.. LMAO I'll be looking forward to see what you do with this.... I think I understand well enough what you are saying... but now make me want to listen... why should I listen, show me something new.... show me a twist on these images I haven't seen before... tell me how it was/is in Brooklyn if nothing else. There is an older one of mine I reposted over in Sanctuary... go tear it up girl! [This message has been edited by Cpat Hair (12-06-2002 06:52 PM).] |
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Bill Charles Member Patricius
since 2000-07-11
Posts 10619highways, & byways, for now |
inkedgoddess - this haunting whisper in the depth of the night, shadows cast on moonlight, a veil on its face, i pine away for the unknown lover lurking in the darkness 'whispers of breath tender in evening, sillouttes dancing in moonbeams not veiled but shadowed, thoughts of desire for lover's touch, out of the night's mist...' BC |
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inkedgoddess Member Rara Avis
since 2002-11-19
Posts 7392Ohio |
bill, i think yours outdid mine, as i responded to cpats lethal ripping apart of it into shreds (only kidding, i can take it) i was a bit tipsy when i wrote it and its convuluted. yours should be posted... |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
oh lethal ripping apart huh.. ( chuckling) nah if you want to see that go drop in on the critical forum. I don't do lethal.. (laughing) |
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regards2you Member Elite
since 2002-10-01
Posts 3940California |
I like this poem a great deal, right up to the last line with the word ~lurking~, for that conjures up all kinds of negative images from a vampire, to other evil-minded creatures of the night, jumping out of the bushes. Lurking is not romantic like the rest of the poem. I am a novice so don't bother to hunt down my poetry....I am in progress and appreciate all critiques if a reason and how-to is included....especially from a pro like Ron. Hugs and warm regards...Pat  PS I shudder to think what I would write were I to have a little alcohol first.. of course, it could be my best poetry yet! At least humorous, for sure ..without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.. |
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inkedgoddess Member Rara Avis
since 2002-11-19
Posts 7392Ohio |
cpat........only being a ballbreaker, and kidding, but you never gave me feedback on the new and revised edition that i emailed to you, so ?/ regards......you are write......lurking is not a good word, maybe waiting, or some other word, cant think now. |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
(smiling) the e-mailed version was better... but this one has something more in it for you than what you sent me. I was waiting in large part to see if you were satisfied with it yourself. While I often re-write others poems in my head as I read them, I try not to do so where anyone else can see what I do to them. I'm too opinionated or too fixed in my own 'voice" anything I comment too specifically on I have to watch or I find I end up writing it as if it was me, not the original writer speaking... Now... I knew you were jerking my chain... but know I never mean to offend with a comment on a poem. We all write as we see things and as they are processed in our heads or hearts. I do not make light of that in anyone... |
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