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Why can't I let go? (justedited)
| Open Poetry #23 |
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Why can't I let go? (justedited) |
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Jamie Dawg Junior Member
since 2000-03-25
Posts 35 |
Slice me into pieces, Blind me with a battering of insults. Words sting like swarms of insects injecting venom that sears through my blood. But I cling to you still. I cannot fight, I am suspended in a helpless cloud. The noise of my confusion buzzes so loud I cannot think, I cannot breathe, I simply weep for the whispers of promises, the ghosts of happiness that haunt my dreams. Any comments would be much appreciated. This is borne out of a traumatic time but as I'm sure you guys understand, poetry always helps! (er...basically i just added the 'you' at the start of first two lines to make it more accusatory.) [This message has been edited by Jamie Dawg (11-30-2002 06:38 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2002 Jamie Dawg - All Rights Reserved | |||
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passing shadows Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577displaced |
well Jamie, I'm having the same problem so nothing I can say will help...but I can relate so much. |
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Jamie Dawg Junior Member
since 2000-03-25
Posts 35 |
thankyou, I think it is something we all go through at one time or another. but its nice to have a vent for ones feelings and people to help you through. Respect JD xx |
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cherrylips Member
since 2002-11-30
Posts 51UK |
Well Jamie I have to say I am new to this site and I find your poem inspiring. The way you use animal comparrisions keeps it in touch with reality whilst not reducing the fantastical journey of the poem itself. I envisage you are a true writer and will follow your work. I must also add I too know that feeling my freind. Stick to the path and all will become clear once you leave the forest. Till later fellow visualist, cherrylipsx |
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Jamie Dawg Junior Member
since 2000-03-25
Posts 35 |
thankyou, cherry lips, shocked that i'm an inspiration for you but happy to help! lol. hope you enjoy this forum....JD xx |
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Aenimal Member Rara Avis
since 2002-11-18
Posts 7350the ass-end of space |
I simply weep for the whispers of promises, the ghosts of happiness that haunt my dreams. Beautiful imagery Jamie, don't hold on to this feeling too long or it will consume you. Raph |
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cherrylips Member
since 2002-11-30
Posts 51UK |
Well I am shocked to see you dont see your work as inspirational. It is certainly better than mine and on that note I would be happy of any critical analysis you can give me on the poem I have just posted after all it is my first. Thanx cherrylipsx |
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Aenimal Member Rara Avis
since 2002-11-18
Posts 7350the ass-end of space |
Jamie I think it worked well without the You's. It had more bite. You may want to get rid of the Your on the third line and go with , words that sting like a swarm of insects... I don't know just a thought I liked it to begin with and like it still. [This message has been edited by Aenimal (11-30-2002 02:16 PM).] |
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MARK V SHELDON Member Elite
since 2001-06-21
Posts 3015In a corporeal internship... |
A strong expression, Jamie. I agree with Aenimal -- the last two lines are my favorite, and be careful not to lose your self... -MVS "AS ABOVE SO BELOW" |
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Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
Jamie, don't forget to breathe deeply while whispering.  |
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Kethry Member Rara Avis
since 2000-07-29
Posts 9082Victoria Australia |
Hang in there Jamie and keep on writing. *HuGS* Kethry Here in the midst of my lonely abyss, a single joy I find...your presence in my mind. Unknown |
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Bob Banger New Member
since 2002-11-30
Posts 4 |
oh jamie mate, it was really noice to see a little bit of your soul ere. I really loiked it. You seem top, hope this encouragement i've seen with you, is typical of the friendliness ere. I am a new member you see. Cheers for the good times, mind the apple and pears. Bob Bang |
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ThisDiamond Member Rara Avis
since 2002-02-22
Posts 9353Michigan, USA |
Hello...and welcome to PIP. All I would say to you is that editing should be left to spelling and grammer (if it works) Poetry is feeling that flows from the heart...doesn't need a perfect package to be just what it is...perfect. All blessing to get you through the rough road... ThisDiamond |
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JamesMichael Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-16
Posts 33336Kapolei, Hawaii, USA |
I find the most strength to let go when too many layers of pain turn into anger. James |
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