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Open Poetry #23
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gemjop
Member Elite
since 2002-11-18
Posts 2587
Pencilveinia, USA

0 posted 2002-11-23 04:18 PM



There was nothing,
But you and I,
The furious rain,
Matched our mood.

Alone with everybody,
Hit and miss;
You swing,
I catch.

Misunderstanding eachother completely,
Watching wavering reflections,
I scream in echos of love,
You choose not to hear me.

Salty pain falls faster than the rain now,
Your demands lean feverishly high.
That somebody that once hurt you,
Remember,
Isn't I.



learning each day, for you and i, our paths have met, i've already learnt that you are love.

[This message has been edited by gemjop (11-23-2002 05:36 PM).]

© Copyright 2002 gj - All Rights Reserved
quietlydying
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Senior Member
since 2001-06-10
Posts 935
the wonderful land of oz
1 posted 2002-11-23 05:09 PM


the beginning was very strong.  i especially enjoyed
quote:

Alone with everybody,
Hit and miss,
You swing,
I catch,


however, somewhere around the middle [and especially in the end] it seemed to trail off and lose it's power.  i think you should revise this, shorten the last bit.  keep the most influencial lines.  there is so much potential in this piece and i really enjoyed it.  with a little more work it can easily become an amazing poem.

i think you should go easy on the commas.  though it is poetry, the end of every line doesn't exactly need a comma.  while on this topic, the same goes for capitalization.  the first letter in every line by no means needs to capitalized - it detracts from what you're trying to say.

as well, i noticed that the whole poem was in one sentence.  this added to the above problem of having it seem as though it's dragging it's feet.  you should try and separate it into several sentences, at least.

and lastly, there were some other glitches with your punctuation.  try to involve other marks, such as colons, semi-colons, whatever fits the sentence.  and i noticed that some i's were capitalized, while others weren't.  you should capitalize them all.  [i do in my poems, just not in my replies out of pure laziness.]

i hope i haven't been too harsh.  you had the critique flag up, and so i'm trying to give you some honest adivce.

you have some very real talent here and i can't wait to read more.  

best of luck and thanks for sharing.

/jen/


i'm so bitterly disappointed.  betty, i think it's time you leave now.

[This message has been edited by quietlydying (11-23-2002 05:11 PM).]

gemjop
Member Elite
since 2002-11-18
Posts 2587
Pencilveinia, USA
2 posted 2002-11-23 05:29 PM


Jen, i thank you.
You've opened my eyes to mistakes i make, especially with the punctuation. sometimes my thoughts are so hurried and overflowing, my haste makes me forget to present the poem at its best. and i know this can be so off putting. Also, you notice my trailing off, i did get stuck in the middle! you were precisely right! i'll have a go at re-doing it, i think the lines 'you choose not to hear me, dismissing what i know,as something i pretend i feel' have definately got to go, let me know what you think.
And thankyou again for your much needed, and much appreciated observations.
lots of love, gemma xxxxx

learning each day, for you and i, our paths have met, i've already learnt that you are love.

Radrook
Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648

3 posted 2002-11-27 03:34 AM


Enjoyed the read.
Thanks for sharing.
God bless!

Sandpiper
Senior Member
since 2002-06-15
Posts 738
land of flora and fauna
4 posted 2002-11-27 04:32 AM


"I scream in echos of love,
You choose not to hear me"

Especially enjoyed these lines--and the insight!

passing shadows
Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577
displaced
5 posted 2002-12-15 05:28 AM


all good lines, making a great poem!
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