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Aenimal
Member Rara Avis

since 2002-11-18

Posts 7350
the ass-end of space

0 posted 2002-11-23 12:19 PM

Broken wings drag against the ground
as leaden feet trudge through fields of promise
littered with corpses of fallen heroes

Weighted thoughts cast a haze over eyes
that once screamed life
This face a mask of tarnished youth
Wrought of too many sleepless nights

Phantoms of regret haunt the mind
threatening to erase the fragile lines
that lay between consciousness and sleep

*(Does it need work? I just wrote this, at the mercy of my insomnia so it may not be as well as i'd like.)

[This message has been edited by Aenimal (11-23-2002 02:11 AM).]

Midnitesun

Member Empyrean

since 2001-05-18

Posts 28647
Gaia

1 posted 2002-11-23 12:22 PM

Well, it might keep me awake tonight, so I guess it really is well written.
Work? no, I'd leave it as is.

Madame Chipmunk
Member Rara Avis

since 2001-12-05

Posts 8296
Michigan

2 posted 2002-11-23 12:23 PM

Aenimal... I like it as it is...
It is a fantastic description of insomnia...
In fact... I thought you were describing me

~ hugs from another insomniac poet

Lyra

copyright2002 Lyra Nesius

"poetry is life distilled" Gwendolyn Brooks

Aenimal
Member Rara Avis

since 2002-11-18

Posts 7350
the ass-end of space

3 posted 2002-11-23 12:40 PM

Midnite sorry I hope it doesn't. Don't mind me i'm just in a mood. Thinking too much for my own good.

Madame chipmunk may we both find sleep or sleep find us sooner rather than later.

passing shadows
Member Empyrean

since 1999-08-26

Posts 45577
displaced

4 posted 2002-11-23 12:54 PM

no, it's beautiful, wonderful imagery here...leave it like it is

bbent
Senior Member

since 2001-01-07

Posts 521
Alaska

5 posted 2002-11-23 02:17 AM

A very powerful write...I wouldn't change it.I only hope others might learn somthing from it.Thanks for having the courage to post it.

Live like it's your last day...
Dance like nobody's watching...
Love like you've never been hurt...

1slick_lady
Member Ascendant

since 2000-12-22

Posts 6088
standing on a shadow's lace

6 posted 2002-11-23 02:24 AM

no it is good don't change it

Salty
Senior Member

since 2002-11-23

Posts 669
Texas

7 posted 2002-11-23 02:31 AM

I think it's doing the job you meant for it to do. Sounds great to me !!!

I am also not able to sleep so I can really relate
AS you can see below I posted the same poem twice... IT's my first visit, so I think I must be lost.

Enjoyed the read muchly !

[This message has been edited by Salty (11-23-2002 02:46 AM).]

wranx
Member Elite

since 2002-06-07

Posts 3689
Moved from a shack to a barn

8 posted 2002-11-23 11:26 AM

It works just fine.

Ed

Sleep!

Aenimal
Member Rara Avis

since 2002-11-18

Posts 7350
the ass-end of space

9 posted 2002-11-23 11:45 AM

Many thanks for all the compliments passing shadows,bbent,1slick_lady,salty and last but not least wranx, you're words have greatly inspired me these last few days.

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