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When I'm With You
| Teen Poetry #6 |
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When I'm With You |
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Hallucination Member
since 2001-03-18
Posts 419 |
"When I'm With You" (09/23/02) © 2002 Brian Eggertsen, All Rights Reserved Verse 1 (M) Do I say it enough or should I say it again There's no one like you on this earth, There's nothing so uniqued And there's nothing that compares To a woman who knows her worth. You make loving seem as easy, As walking down a one way street.... Verse 1 (W) Do I say it enough or should I say it again Your eyes they are pure poetry, Just as true as Mary-Jane got her Peter Parker You're the hero of my story. Hold me when I need it the most, Never fades away like a ghost.... Chorus (M/W) Being lonely Ain't a possibility when I'm with you Through any storm and the coldest nights there's warmth when I'm with you They scream and shout, But I can not hear the crowd when I'm with you When I'm with you everything's perfect Verse 2 (W) You know that for you I would do the impossible Bring back forgotten memories. Forever I'll haunt all the shadows in your heart Help you stay who you wanna be, And I will always let you in, Because you are my everything... Verse 2 (M) You know that for you I would do the impossible Just tell me what you really need, And I'll give it to you wrapped in love with a big bow From a place that's beyond a dream. Now there's a pounding in my chest, 'Cause you only deserve the best.... Chorus (M/W) Bridge (W/M) We'll stay together Until it's closing time And we'll never let go Allthough we fall behind I've never felt so good Then when I'm with you Chorus (M/W) |
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| © Copyright 2002 Brian Eggertsen - All Rights Reserved | |||
Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
Ooh, male/female vocals intertwined into a duet... very nice... I myself have a softspot for a well-done duet. I think your selection of which stanzas were to be sung by which party, and when they were to be sung, is impeccable. You couldn't have nailed that any more accurately. One thing I feel I have to mention, though, is that the last line of the chorus would sound a bit off if sung by two people... maybe you should pause before "everything's perfect," or something... The thing is, when two people are singing a chorus and they're totally passionate about it, they like to hang the last syllable just a tad... "perfect" doesn't happen to be a word that you can do that with, so it sounds off. You might consider using a word that ends in a stressed syllable, or simply use a one-syllable word. That's my only suggestion, really. Good work, on this one.  Parasite Learn to place poetry before people |
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quietlydying
since 2001-06-10
Posts 935the wonderful land of oz |
reading your posts is always such a nice change. and everytime i read them, i wish that i could just hear you put them to music. do you? and do you play any instruments? i'm very curious. i would really love to sing these words. and i do enjoy the male/female aspect. especially on this topic. a very nice touch. you did a great job as usual and i can't wait to read more. /jen/ at first i wondered why white oleander was in the six dollar bargain bin. |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
I thought this was one of those sappy little love songs. A little duo between Mariah Carey and Andrea bocceli or something. hehe I liked it though, it was very well written.  This post has been brought to you by the 'Totally Awesome Society of Puerto Rican Egotistical Sexy Men'. |
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gymnast Member
since 2001-11-18
Posts 80Scotland. |
I love this song, it is truly beautiful. I really wish I could hear it sung *sighs* oh well, i guess im just an old romantic at heart.  anyway i honestly truly love this! hope to read more!||Amanda|| |
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