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Teen Poetry #6
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Streetlight Silence
| Teen Poetry #6 |
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Streetlight Silence |
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Kevin
since 1999-11-02
Posts 729Torrington, Ct, Usa 
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Standing in the streetlight, he craves shadows His sins glowing orange on the corner Hands clench tightly in his sweatshirt pocket Waiting while they scrounge up ev’ry dollar Checking to his pant leg assures safety Cold steel under denim praying patience Brown eyes bouncing back and forth for trouble Never resting in the constant danger Pulling his hood further down his forehead He can’t hide the truth of streetlight silence I'm on my feet, I'm on the floor, I'm good to go All I need is just to hear a song I know [This message has been edited by Kevin (09-23-2002 01:37 AM).] |
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| © Copyright 2002 Kevin Bednarz - All Rights Reserved | |||
Masked Intruder
Moderator
Senior Member
since 1999-05-23
Posts 1231Near golden sunsets |
Excellent |
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Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
I've never seen trochaic pentameter before. Guess there's a first time for everything, hm? "His sins" and "assures safety" both chucked the meter scheme off track a little bit. One thing I felt this was lacking was some sort of visual... there's not a lot of imagery, and the mention of "orange" made me anticipate an image to come... "Cold steel under denim" also suggests a kind of visual concept. You should devote a few lines to more imagery, in my opinion. Other than that, this is really nice. You grasped quite exquisitely the frame of mind of a young man, dwarfed by a city larger than him, of streets harmful to him... A great deal of work was done to underline his solitude and unsureness. And again, I admire your adaptation of an original form of meter. Well done. Parasite Learn to place poetry before people Before you place your poetry before the people. ~Andrey Kneller [This message has been edited by Local Parasite (09-23-2002 11:13 AM).] |
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AngelShell Member
since 2000-03-01
Posts 446not heaven nor hell so... |
I have to say that while the imagery wasn't as strong in this piece as it has been in some of your others, I don't think that it was lacking... I personally liked the 'his sins glowing orange' I thought it lent a nice feeling to it. I also liked 'Cold Steel under Denim Praying Patience' I thought that was great. But then that's just my oppinion. The only thing I would say is I didn't really like the last line. To me the idea of him trying to hide something hadn't been plugged enough, I got a great sense of nervousness but the only idea of hiding was in the second to last line when you introduced the pulling down of the sweat shirt. This could have been was Parasite was getting at, I don't know. But, none the less a good write. Michelle. ~I haven't memorized all of the cute things to say but I'm working on it~ |
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Kevin
since 1999-11-02
Posts 729Torrington, Ct, Usa |
I thought the theme of hiding was pretty consistent throughout, the poem opens up with him under the spotlight of the streetlight, and craving the shadows, to be unseen. The main character in this poem is supposed to be selling drugs, but he is self conscious of it, he is scared, but determined, or he wouldnt be there. He lives in constant fear of both enemies, and and some ways himself. Pulling his hood over his eyes and hiding the window to his soul, he is ashamed but he cant hide the truth in the silence of the streetlight, because he is accused in his own head, by himself |
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cherish Senior Member
since 2001-03-25
Posts 1639swimming in fairy floss........... |
I'm not going to debate this, all I'm going to say is that you've really matured as a writer and that I love the way you're moving out of one genre of poetry and dipping your toes into other issues and situations. You're a great narrater, have you written any prose? I enjoyed the imagery Kev, well done. Are you scared? BOO! Are you now? |
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