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Rainbowdust
Member

since 2002-12-05

Posts 320
Sydney, Australia

0 posted 2002-12-05 10:55 PM

This is the first poem I've posted on here, so be gentle!

The links that bond me to childhood
Have frayed and quickly wear thin
Memories last, of the simple life past
As I wait for the future to begin

Drifting through problems and heartache
Nothing stable onto which I can hold
Reach for a hand, drowning in shifting sand
Always feel like I'm out of control

My heart can no longer stay open
It's a neon sign begging for hurt
In this rat race, can't come second place
No rose coloured glasses to disguise the dirt

Comfort in innocence is useless
In this world what does caring achieve?
Where magic was found, pain and betrayal abound
In truth and goodness, how can I believe?

When I was a child ignorance was bliss
My small world was pure and carefree
But now that I'm growing, the truth keeps on showing
Harsh reality is all that I see

Simple, free pleasures no longer exist
The future's affected by all that I do
My heartbreak and sorrow, quadruple tomorrow
My dreams aren't guaranteed to come true

No one can be trusted anymore
Now I must guard everything that I say
My friends will attack, when I turn my back
That's just this strange new world's way

I can no longer accept without question
Or believe because that's just how I feel
Cash and fast cars, forget the moon and the stars
It's money that measures what's real

The world is changing against my will
I never wanted this unwelcoming new place
I wish I could stay, in my private garden of play
And enjoy the simplicity that's now been replaced

I've been thrown in the pool of adulthood
To survive I'm being forced to swim
But deep down inside, the small child does still hide
And over the adult will eventually win.

NeverSayDie
Junior Member

since 2001-01-18

Posts 39
Duluth, MN & Grand Forks ND

1 posted 2002-12-06 01:12 AM

Wow great poem. I liked it alot. Welcome to Passions. Great first post and I hope to see many more.

Casey Anderson

LesterVisaya
Junior Member

since 2002-11-16

Posts 21

2 posted 2002-12-06 03:21 AM

This is so weird because the first poem i posted was about the same lenght as yours and both of our poems have the same meaning and at the same some of the words i used were found in your poems too...

I've come to aknowledge the fact that less is more,so try trimming down some lines(I SOO need to follow my own adive)
Sometimes over doing it makes it less meaningful and more of a shower of words

Jaime

Registered

Member
Posts 250

3 posted 2002-12-06 10:39 AM

Welcome to pip.

I could try and be harsh, but there'd be no reason to. I think this is a great first post.

Jaime

i was here

WinterWren
Senior Member

since 2002-12-01

Posts 1044
...Coming to

4 posted 2002-12-06 01:13 PM

That was a truly wonderful first post. You have alot of talent! Keep it up!
Laugh often, love much, live well.

WinterWren
"I want you to believe in life. Will you find out who you are too late, to change? -Dishwalla-

HopelessRomanticGuy
Member

since 2001-08-17

Posts 495
LI, New York

5 posted 2002-12-06 09:46 PM

quote:
Where magic was found, pain and betrayal abound
In truth and goodness, how can I believe?

This was an EXCELENT first post! BTW, WELCOME! I really liked the above line, it's my favorite out of the entire poem, and it's all too true. I loved the rhyme scheme used in this. I hope to see much more work from one such as talented as yourself!

'Rich

"You can't hurt meee!! 'Cause I've got on my cheeeeese helmet!"

Rainbowdust
Member

since 2002-12-05

Posts 320
Sydney, Australia

6 posted 2002-12-06 10:48 PM

I just wanted to say thanks for all the wonderful replies I got for my poem... it's so hard to find other teens (and people) to share this side of me with, and it means a lot!

You're all so talented too!

Lester, I found your first poem and I'm honoured that you could see a similarity between your work and mine! It was great, and so honest and unpretentious! I loved the lines, "Heavy tears bare down thick layers of sin,
and bares it down to the beauty of our core," It made me think for ages! Maybe we can help each other keeping things short and sweet?

The soul would have no rainbows, had the eyes no tears.

Smoothy
Member

since 2002-12-02

Posts 119
The dark side of the moon

7 posted 2002-12-07 04:45 PM

I have to give it to you, this is one heck of a way to start your membership in Passions. Great job, keep it coming, (insert comment here), and tip your waiter on the way out!lol

Love conquers all, so I must be in a losing battle.

quietlydying

Senior Member

since 2001-06-10

Posts 935
the wonderful land of oz

8 posted 2002-12-10 06:15 PM

you did a good job on this piece, however there were parts where you seemed to get a little confused between past and present tenses.

and some punctuation would be a appropriate addition, as poems do need to be broken down into sentences, simliar to prose and whatnot.

good write and thanks for sharing.

welcome to pip, i do believe you'll enjoy yourself here. it's a nice little place.

/jen/

'i don't care if it hurts, i want to have control. i want a perfect body, i want a perfect soul.' [radiohead]

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