Mortar and Pestilence II (sequel to my first post)

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Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

0 posted 2002-09-22 12:52 PM

Mortar and Pestilence II

Good morn, my Lord and Shephard true
I've just the mind to speak with You
Confusing, as it be
You, in figmented power, drew
A precious thing from me

While held securely in my bliss
You ripp'd it sorely out of this
T'was my beloved one
In utter shock, I could but hiss
Injustice, as it's done

Her mind was soft and fragile still
And yet, You felt it not be ill
To taint her empty mind
My heart is tainted to its fill
I'd have You leave her blind

But rather, You would have her know
Where thinking souls are damned to go
They are, by knowledge, blighted
You'd rather she be wrept in woe
To see my form ignited

It's said Your gift is one of love
So show me what You're speaking of
And let her mind be free
Her hand held firmly in my glove
I'd keep her close to me

And truth, whatever it may speak
Would never, to our ears, be bleak
Or haunt our worried souls
For grand delusion, tongue in cheek,
Is what our love extols

I'll give You now Your hatred back
Endowed with properties I'd lack
If not I'd ever view'd
Your message, truly cold as black
And colder, once renew'd.

Riley

Senior Member

since 2002-07-18

Posts 1038
in the pouring rain

1 posted 2002-09-22 01:20 PM

HEY!, saw this one the board and thought I would reply to it, being only fair right, right? I dunno. Ok back to why I posted this......thought this was beautiful..this is my favorite stanza
And truth, whatever it may speak
Would never, to our ears, be bleak
Or haunt our worried souls
For grand delusion, tongue in cheek,
Is what our love extols
Anyway....great poem.

Riley

~*Theres a sparkle in your eye that only i see, and theres a place in your heart where only i wanna be*~

Spine Grinder
Senior Member

since 2000-10-28

Posts 1127
Standing In Silence...

2 posted 2002-09-22 01:36 PM

wow, i liked this. good job.

~Ur feelings never change, u just learn 2 hide them~

Child of the Stars

Senior Member

since 2000-09-07

Posts 1658
Ann Arbor, MI

3 posted 2002-09-22 03:49 PM

Flawless. Haha, nice critique message.

~Carly

"My own eyes are not enough for me; I will see through a thousand and yet remain myself..."
~C.S. Lewis

AngelShell
Member

since 2000-03-01

Posts 446
not heaven nor hell so...

4 posted 2002-09-22 05:55 PM

Wow, this was exquisite.
I must admit I had to read it over a few times before it all started to become clearer, but then again, that could just be due to the lack of coffee...

As for interpretations, well, there are a lot of things that come to mind, some that hit quite close to home, but that could just be the fact that I seem to be looking for a connection to that particular incident in everything (and we all know that if you look hard enough you can always find a connection)...
But it seemed in this piece there was a desperation throughout the whole idea that was backed by an inevitability that the truth would somehow emerge no matter how much you didn't want it to.
I loved the somewhat vague imagery that, due to it's minimalism let your own mind really take over.

This is great.

Michelle.

~I haven't memorized all of the cute things to say but I'm working on it~

devinechild22
Senior Member

since 2002-08-28

Posts 571

5 posted 2002-09-22 11:03 PM

i really liked this poem. i wish i could express what i felt about it as well as those above. lol. i think that u r an amazing writer and i highly admire your writing style and subject chioice. this poem spoke to me if that makes any sense. it touched me deeper than ost would expect from words...i think that people don`t value speech and the power of words that much and i think that if they read this poem..they would wake up. anyway..great poem!

anonymousfemale
Member Elite

since 2000-02-02

Posts 2797
Limbo

6 posted 2002-09-22 11:28 PM

Hmm...well I can find nothing in this to pull apart. damnit, damnit all to hell.

Like Carlita said, flawless. SOB.

~AF~

"No wonder I do not make people comfortable. I am a mirror. I have far too many things to say." - Mouthing the Words

Dark Enchantress
Senior Member

since 1999-07-27

Posts 1258
meet Morgana

7 posted 2002-09-22 11:35 PM

Oh dear.. you know, I always remember your name but I'm so bad at this replying thing.. this girl just doesn't know what to say most of the time.. but I just wanted to let you know that I did read over it and I enjoyed it.. perhaps when my eyeballs aren't having their tea on the floor I can give you a better responce with some interpretations.. until then.. thank you for your wonderful contribution

"you don't need one of these to let me inside of you" T.A.

Masked Intruder

Moderator

Senior Member

since 1999-05-23

Posts 1231
Near golden sunsets

8 posted 2002-09-23 12:27 PM

Since no one else found anything to critique or question, I decided to give an extra five minutes and find something.

In every stanza you have an 8-8-6-8-6 pattern with your syllables. I was curious why you didn't try to make the ENTIRE poem follow that pattern, but, instead, you used an 8-8-7-8-7 pattern in your fourth stanza.

I'm not criticizing the choice; I love the lines and words you used to make those seven syllables flow into your poem. I'm just wondering.

You can't wake a person who is pretending to be asleep. -- Navajo Proverb

Masked Intruder

Moderator

Senior Member

since 1999-05-23

Posts 1231
Near golden sunsets

9 posted 2002-09-23 12:29 PM

I'll try for an interpretation next time.

You can't wake a person who is pretending to be asleep. -- Navajo Proverb

Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

10 posted 2002-09-23 12:34 PM

I sure have a mighty response so far. I don't usually get my first 9 replies on the first day I post...

I love you guys!

Anyways, Masked Intruder:

I was going for a feminine rhyme... I'm a real whore for feminine rhyme, as some might know.

Anyways, with iambic meter, there's no way to do a feminine rhyme without adding an unstressed. And the rhythm of the poem is mostly due to the stressed syllables, not the unstressed ones. I'm sure it didn't hurt your rhythm, unless you were neglecting a pause between each line as you read it to yourself.

Well, thanks for the response, Masked Intruder, and everyone else as well. I'm glad to be getting such good feedback.

Parasite

Learn to place poetry before people
Before you place your poetry before the people.
~Andrey Kneller

Masked Intruder

Moderator

Senior Member

since 1999-05-23

Posts 1231
Near golden sunsets

11 posted 2002-09-23 12:44 PM

Nope, it didn't do a thing to the way I read it. Actually, I only noticed because I stressed something in the last stanza wrong, so I went through and counted out the whole thing.

Enjoyed the work. And, I'm ecstatic that someone actually answered my question.

-mi

You can't wake a person who is pretending to be asleep. -- Navajo Proverb

Kevin

Senior Member

since 1999-11-02

Posts 729
Torrington, Ct, Usa

12 posted 2002-09-23 03:21 AM

Mortar and Pestilence II ---great set up for the poem,

Good morn, my Lord and Shephard true
I've just the mind to speak with You
Confusing, as it be
You, in figmented power, drew
A precious thing from me

!!!!!!!!!!! read this at least 10 times!!!!!!!!!
At least
Seriously…just do it
Damn that’s good

While held securely in my bliss
You ripp'd it sorely out of this
T'was my beloved one
In utter shock, I could but hiss
Injustice, as it's done

Haha, I cant critique this man its so well done

Her mind was soft and fragile still
And yet, You felt it not be ill
To taint her empty mind
My heart is tainted to its fill
I'd have You leave her blind

So somethings tainted her, another man, drugs?
I think drugs

But rather, You would have her know
Where thinking souls are damned to go
They are, by knowledge, blighted
You'd rather she be wrept in woe
To see my form ignited

Ok don’t know wrept, looked wrept up, didn’t find wrept, whats wrept?
BLIGHTED! BLIGHTED! BLIGHTED!BLIGHTED!BLIGHTED!
THE WORD OF THE POEM, perfectly echoing mortar and pestilence btw
I’m a dweller too man…Love this stanza

It's said Your gift is one of love
So show me what You're speaking of
And let her mind be free
Her hand held firmly in my glove
I'd keep her close to me

This is why I think drugs, like they have taken her mind captive, and to free it would bring her back to you, as she would realize what she left behind

And truth, whatever it may speak
Would never, to our ears, be bleak
Or haunt our worried souls
For grand delusion, tongue in cheek,
Is what our love extols

I’m obsessed with the idea of distraction from the reality of our mortality
So grand delusion falls right into my lap, and echoes gods figmentation as well

I'll give You now Your hatred back
Endowed with properties I'd lack
If not I'd ever view'd
Your message, truly cold as black
And colder, once renew'd.

You’d renew your love for your god, if you could go back to when things were better, and didn’t have to remember over and over again your loss
WOW
Well done man

My vote for teen forum poem of the month
We should really have that

I'm on my feet, I'm on the floor, I'm good to go
All I need is just to hear a song I know

Marshalzu

Member Elite

since 2001-02-15

Posts 2681
Lurking

13 posted 2002-09-23 05:49 AM

This is truly a wonderful poem, full of brilliant imagery and excellent writing, making it a must read poem, leaving me with only one thing to say, I am truly in awe of your talents.

Andrew

it’s not your makeup that fades
just the illusion of happiness
that has slowly decayed

Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

14 posted 2002-09-23 09:13 AM

Kevin - I don't know about Wrept... I started using it a long time ago to be past-tense of "wrap," and then realized it wasn't even a word.  But it's MY word so I just kept on using it, ya know?

Oh well.  I'm crazy like that.

Thanks for your high praise, by the way.

Very much appreciated.

Parasite

Learn to place poetry before people
Before you place your poetry before the people.
~Andrey Kneller

LadyDracaWolf
Member

since 2002-09-19

Posts 73
CA

15 posted 2002-09-23 10:17 AM

I thought this one as kind of confusing. But the message is simple well elaborated in this piece.

Death is not extinguishing the light;
it is putting out the lamp
because the dawn has come.

Rabindranath Tagore
Poet, Philosopher, Nobel Laurea

knightlyshadows
Senior Member

since 2001-04-14

Posts 791
obscured vision

16 posted 2002-09-23 11:59 PM

hrm.. don't know why i'm different from everyone above, but i didn't like this. i think it's absolutely brimming with talent and amazing imagery, vocab, and meaning, but it just didn't speak to me like so many of your other works have. something about the flow of it threw me off. you're pieces are always so -strong- to me brian. i read this one and was like... 'is that all?'
it's beautifull brian, just like the first Mortar and Pestilence. one of your best constructed that i've read in awhile. yet it just didn't have that power that so easily makes me think of your writings.

My fav stanza:

quote:
And truth, whatever it may speak
Would never, to our ears, be bleak
Or haunt our worried souls
For grand delusion, tongue in cheek,
Is what our love extols

Sorry to be so negative, especially after you've always been a supporter when it came to me and my writings. *peck* keep em coming bro.

“A single choice can build destinies, or destroy them.”

Getting away, isn't Running away.

"The hurt that you try to hide, is killing me."

[This message has been edited by knightlyshadows (09-24-2002 03:02 AM).]

cherish
Senior Member

since 2001-03-25

Posts 1639
swimming in fairy floss...........

17 posted 2002-09-24 03:17 AM

Read. Gasped. Mind went blank. (You have that effect on me)

There was a poem, somewhere within that masterpiece.

Are you scared? BOO! Are you now?

Allysa

Senior Member

since 1999-11-09

Posts 1952
In an upside-down garden

18 posted 2002-09-25 10:26 AM

I am feeling rather Jello-brained now... will come back later and give this masterpiece the reply it deserves....

"You're the center of adrenaline And I'm beginning to understand You could be the best thing about me." -SG

fearing-laughter
Senior Member

since 2001-04-24

Posts 605
land of cheese (Wisconsin)

19 posted 2002-09-26 01:53 AM

hi,
=) this was a really beautiful poem, i love how nicely it flowed. i admire how you can write in the sort of old-english style (i don't know if that makes sense to you) and make it sound fluid, whenever i try i always sound dumb lol. in response to the reply you put on my poem, yes i am the same Bergundy who used to post under orange()alligator (i think that was my old name) and Tony is the one who introduced me to PIP. i haven't talked to him in ages though, and i miss him. anyway, in my opinion you honestly did an excellent job on this. my absolute favorite line was "my heart is tained to its fill" thanks for sharing.
-Bergundy-

"crack my head open, on your kitchen floor. to prove to you, that i have brains." -Alkaline Trio

[This message has been edited by fearing-laughter (09-26-2002 01:54 AM).]

BrokenAngel
Member

since 2002-01-06

Posts 141
Puryear, TN, USA

20 posted 2002-10-01 03:46 PM

Very nice read, I must admit to getting a little lost in it, but that was the first time I read it, since I have an idiot next to me takin my consentration away from me, but the second time I read it I didn't get lost. Wonderful write, just like all your others.

~*~*~Night Angel

quietlydying

Senior Member

since 2001-06-10

Posts 935
the wonderful land of oz

21 posted 2002-10-01 10:51 PM

i could tear this to pieces between my worn and aching teeth.

but i'm too tired and i just had chinese food on top of TWO chocolate bars [oink oink says the little piggy].  so i'm a little bloated as well.

to sum it up, another day.  or i'll just get to another poem of yours.

but i am posting to let you know i've fallen in love with your opening line:

'Good morn, my Lord and Shephard true
I've just the mind to speak with You'

being the agnostic that i am, i LOVE it.  can you guess how i interpret it?

wait until you see the button on my hat.  remind me when we speak next and i'll tell you.  [it's not for posting in pip].

/jen/

i just haven't been the same since that house fell on my sister.

anawnda
Member

since 2002-07-26

Posts 113

22 posted 2002-10-03 07:40 AM

love it

Chloey
Member

since 2002-09-29

Posts 74
in a silver mustang convertible

23 posted 2002-10-03 08:17 AM

Thanx for all the positive energy you send to me i just posted and some positive energy comin ur way "IT WAS AMAZING!" :-)

Allysa

Senior Member

since 1999-11-09

Posts 1952
In an upside-down garden

24 posted 2002-10-03 10:34 AM

everytime I read this, I literally get Jello-brained. I cannot ever think of anything profound to say, so I'm going to simply say MARVELOUS!

How are you? Did you get my email? I'll send another..

"You're the center of adrenaline And I'm beginning to understand You could be the best thing about me." -SG

Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

25 posted 2002-10-03 01:03 PM

Alyssa - I'm not getting your emails... I tried sending you one and I got an error message sent back to me....

Ina
Senior Member

since 2000-10-09

Posts 1236
Quebec, Canada

26 posted 2002-10-03 10:22 PM

Well, after 25 replies, here I am checking back in. I enjoyed the poem a great deal. It was intersting and confusing to me at the same time. I'm not really sure how to interpert your poem, so I won't. But just to let you know, I liked it and it was very well written.

Regina

PuNkAnGeL8705
New Member

since 2002-10-04

Posts 1
Pennsylvania

27 posted 2002-10-05 04:09 PM

hey your poem was really neat...it reslly made me think bout what all ppl think...

Janet Marie
Member Laureate

since 2000-01-22

Posts 18554

28 posted 2003-02-10 03:06 PM

Good morn, my Lord and Shephard true
I've just the mind to speak with You
Confusing, as it be
You, in figmented power, drew
A precious thing from me

While held securely in my bliss
You ripp'd it sorely out of this
T'was my beloved one
In utter shock, I could but hiss
Injustice, as it's done

Her mind was soft and fragile still
And yet, You felt it not be ill
To taint her empty mind
My heart is tainted to its fill
I'd have You leave her blind

===================================

I am loving the fact that you kept your rhyme scheme for this series...and that opening line theme as well...
the hook is pure poetry and sets the tone perfectly...
the moth stalks on....

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