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Sonnet???? 02
| Teen Poetry #6 |
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Sonnet???? 02 |
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Darkness Member
since 2002-10-17
Posts 202The place just beyond my eyes, where my spirit flies. |
Leaving lovelessness behind as I cross Into a brand new world of creation To find someone, and love won't be a loss All I need is loving observation. And I will fly above the clouds so high And I lift because of this new feeling I'm gonna rise above and touch that sky I'll fly up because my wounds need healing. You have the power to heal them my love But befor you, I just gotta love me After that I'll be with you my dove I'll soar up, and forever we will be I will fly up and touch your great wingspan And I will love you the best that I can. I need every and all critiques that can be made about this. I have the 10 syllables and the abab type rhyme scheme. But I don't know about the iambic pentamiter. If someone could just give me some tips. I will be very greatful. |
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| © Copyright 2002 Sam Prond - All Rights Reserved | |||
quietlydying
since 2001-06-10
Posts 935the wonderful land of oz |
you seem to be very uncomfortable with this form and are obviously struggling in places. there are also some major errors with your syllables and whatnot. an iambic foot is made up of two beats. one weak, and one strong. you're still not following that part. as well, you shouldn't use words that don't exist when using such a structured form. ie. 'gonna' is not a real word. keep trying though. you're improving with every piece. /jen/ i'm so bitterly disappointed. betty, i think it's time you leave now. [This message has been edited by quietlydying (11-20-2002 05:01 PM).] |
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Darkness Member
since 2002-10-17
Posts 202The place just beyond my eyes, where my spirit flies. |
Thank you I was wondering about he whole syllable thing and about the stressing stuff. I didn't think that was right. The whole not real words like "gonna" I had no clue about so thanks for the info. |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
A nip & tuck here and there can fix your meter. A line of ambic pentameter has to read as - short-LONG/ short-LONG/ short-LONG/ short-LONG/ short-LONG. Here's how I read your meter... quote: Here are some suggestions for nips & tucks (feel free to ignore any and all) In-LEAV/ing-LOVE/less-NESS/be-HIND/i-CROSS in-TO/cre-A/tion-OF/a-BRAND/new-WORLD to-FIND/some-ONE/and-LOVE/won't-BE/a-LOSS i-ON/ly-NEEDob-SERV/ing-LOV/un-FURLED. And-I/will-FLY/a-BOVE/the-CLOUDS/so-HIGH I’m-LIFT/ed-NOW/be-CAUSE/of-HOW/I-FEEL So-I/will-RISE/a-BOVE/and-TOUCH/that-SKY (the meter works here – can the “gonna”) i’ll-FLY/up-HIGH/be-CAUSE/my-WOUNDS/will-HEAL. You-HAVE/the-POW/er-THAT/can-HEAL/my-LOVE al-THOUGH/be-FORE/you-I/must-JUST/love-ME and-AF/ter-THAT/i'll-BE/with-YOU/my-DOVE I’ll-SOAR/and-THEN/for-EV/er-WE/will-BE i-WILL/fly-UP/and-TOUCH/your-GREATwing-SPAN and-I/will-AL/ways-LOVE/you-WITH/the BEST/i-CAN. This translates to… In leaving lovelessness behind I cross Into creation of a brand new world To find someone and love won’t be a loss I only need observing love unfurled. And I will fly above the clouds so high I’m lifted now because of how I feel. So I will rise above and touch the sky I’ll fly up high because my wounds will heal You have the power that can heal my love Although before you I must just love me And after that I’ll be with you my dove I'll soar and then forever we will be I will fly up and touch your great wingspan And I will always love you with the best I can. With these small changes, can you see the difference in the flow? Remember – they’re just thoughts – It’s your poem – take only the advice you choose…  [This message has been edited by Nan (11-21-2002 08:00 AM).] |
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quietlydying
since 2001-06-10
Posts 935the wonderful land of oz |
glad i could help. looking forward to seeing more.  /jen/ i'm so bitterly disappointed. betty, i think it's time you leave now. |
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Darkness Member
since 2002-10-17
Posts 202The place just beyond my eyes, where my spirit flies. |
Thank you so much? That was the only thing I didn't really have down and you showed me how to do it. I am going to add that in to my next one. You helped me a great deal. Thank You Darkness  |
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vlraynes Member Rara Avis
since 2000-07-25
Posts 8229Somewhere... out there... |
Darkness~ Well, it looks like Jen and Nan have covered the structural comments and tips, so I'll just agree with what they've said and tell you that I think this is a very nice beginning to what could be a lovely sonnet. I enjoyed this. ~Vicky "...until you have read the verse on his heart, |
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