Tamma Marian Challenge #2 - pipTalk Forums

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Tamma

Senior Member

since 2000-01-17

Posts 794
In His Arms, Harpers Ferry, WV

0 posted 2002-11-03 12:16 PM

Too many workds going thru my head...not enough sence to be made out of any ot it...

Tamma Marian – A quiet lil girl
Always in the shadows of love
Merely “Just a girl”
Merely “Someone you used to know”
And then, Jeff came into my life
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
GRRR!!! I don’t like that one…
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tamma, Your babi girl
Always held in your arms
Making love under the stars
“Marry me, Tamma I love you”
As I lay my head on your chest

Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

1 posted 2002-11-04 03:53 PM

Personally, I felt the first one was better, but you shifted a bit too sharply on the last line. Suddenly it's about Jeff? You could have foreshadowed that a little bit. I know that you have a short name and all...

My only other criticism is that "merely just" is redundant. The second poem is without a real flaw, I just didn't personally care for the content of it.

My favourite is the first one.

A good answer to the challenge.

Parasite

Learn to place poetry before people
Before you place your poetry before the people.
~Andrey Kneller

Skyfire

Member Elite

since 2000-12-27

Posts 3381
Riding

2 posted 2002-11-04 05:11 PM

Once again, I agree with LP. EXECPT *grins* I like the second one better than the first

Challange met

Ina
Senior Member

since 2000-10-09

Posts 1236
Quebec, Canada

3 posted 2002-11-04 05:21 PM

i dont know what the challange is about, but i did enjoy the first one more.

xShUgArHiGhx

Member Elite

since 2000-09-26

Posts 3150
tRyIn tO fIt iN2 mY oWn ShoEs

4 posted 2002-11-05 12:59 PM

LoL Ina neither do i. I did like the first better tho as well.

Sometimes I get so weird
I even freak myself out
I laugh myself to sleep
It's my lullaby

aVriL lAvIgNe

Tamma

Senior Member

since 2000-01-17

Posts 794
In His Arms, Harpers Ferry, WV

5 posted 2002-11-05 08:06 AM

*sigh* With a name like Tamma, I didnt have much to work with...

vlraynes
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-07-25

Posts 8229
Somewhere... out there...

6 posted 2002-11-05 02:48 PM

Well, Tamma, I like BOTH of them.
I enjoyed reading them and I'm happy to see
you participating in the challenges.
I hope to see lots more from you.
Hugs,
~Vicky
"...until you have read the verse on his heart,
you have not truly met the poet.
~vlraynes

Jester
Junior Member

since 2002-08-13

Posts 41
The dark corners of your mind

7 posted 2002-11-05 11:04 PM

ha i get the challenge gooo me....i also will have to agree with LP in that the first one is also my favourite. Thanx for both reads.

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