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Teen Poetry #6
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Sun
| Teen Poetry #6 |
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Sun |
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PeaceInEverything Junior Member
since 2002-10-06
Posts 31Ohio, United States |
Emotionless, Blind, Confused and Lost. The sun has left and darkness reigns. Heart as cold as death's grasp. Darkness confusing the senses. Begging for the sun to return. Knowing what the sun will bring, Warmth, Knowlegde, Light, Love. Sun, return this wretch to life. Do you even know you are my sun? Will I ever be able to tell you? |
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| © Copyright 2002 Chris Adams - All Rights Reserved | |||
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knightlyshadows Senior Member
since 2001-04-14
Posts 791obscured vision |
You described this nicely Chris. The imagery was great. The flow of it was kind of thrown off by the last two lines, but that could just be me because I still liked the last two lines. And the rest of it didn't seem as strong as the first stanza to me. I liked it as a whole, but that first stanza I loved. It had a nice punch to it. Write more, post more.  “A single choice can build destinies, or destroy them.” |
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chasing rain Senior Member
since 2001-05-15
Posts 737Canada |
Chris- A very good poem, though I have a few critiques: I felt that this poem lacked a bit of strength, which could be due to the fact that many general words were used here, except they weren't used in context with anything (describing anything, and so forth). Words like "lost", "love", "light" are general words (non-descriptive...like "nice" ^^) yet if they are used to describe a scene (I would give you an example if only I had a mind that worked...x_X) they would not have that "general" affect. So, if these "general words" are going to be simply stated as you have done so in this poem, you could try finding different words in a thesaurus to add more strength the the poem. Between the last stanza and the 2 lines at the end, there wasn't any connection, or if there was, it would have been very vague. o_O; BUT!!! There is a solution. ^^ You could write another stanza between the previous mentioned to link the two together, perhaps explaining who or how or what the sun is to you. Other than that, it was well written. I see potential in this piece. ^_^ Good luck! Leah |
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Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
I thought this was alright... although as Leah said, you use a lot of general words. Personally I would depart from the whole word, word, word, and word format altogether and try for something with a more distinct sentence structure. Only my opinion of course. Parasite Learn to place poetry before people |
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