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HopelessRomanticGuy
Member

since 2001-08-17

Posts 495
LI, New York

0 posted 2002-11-02 08:40 PM

I do lean upon a tree
And saw an angel come to me.
I tried to be strong, tried to be bold
Yet all I tried came off cold

Oh angel don't depart from me
For it's you I see I need
If my soul will ever be free
It will be in you and me

"You can't hurt meee!! 'Cause I've got on my cheeeeese helmet!"

knightlyshadows
Senior Member

since 2001-04-14

Posts 791
obscured vision

1 posted 2002-11-03 11:28 AM

Richard, this was a very endearing post. Short, but it got the message across. And I only have one critique for it. The first line is present tense, while the rest you wrote as present tense AND past tense. That sort of threw me off a bit and I didnt like it. But other than that, this is a very nice post.

quote:
For it's you I see I need
If my soul will ever be free
It will be in you and me

lovely.

write more, post more.

“A single choice can build destinies, or destroy them.”

Getting away, isn't Running away.

"The hurt that you try to hide, is killing me."

NSnaomian
Member

since 2002-07-22

Posts 232
In my troll closet I be

2 posted 2002-11-03 06:43 PM

I agree with knightlyshadows about the first line, but the rest I love. Keep posting, I would love to read more of your work.

Laura

Real friends are those who, when you feel you've made a fool of yourself, don't feel you've done a permanent job.

Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

3 posted 2002-11-04 01:36 PM

Indeed, some very nice work here. I also thought the first line kind of disturbed the rest of the poem because of the shift in chronological tense...

But... but!! Liked the poem.

Parasite

WinterWren
Senior Member

since 2002-12-01

Posts 1044
...Coming to

4 posted 2002-12-04 07:03 PM

*Bows*

WinterWren
"I want you to believe in life. Will you find out who you are too late, to change? -Dishwalla-

devinechild22
Senior Member

since 2002-08-28

Posts 571

5 posted 2002-12-05 05:22 PM

HE SHOOTS! HE SCORES!!! LOL Good one!
*Allison*

dinky
Member

since 2002-10-19

Posts 258

6 posted 2002-12-07 03:59 PM

hey,
i agree with allison
i really liked this
~samantha~

"sometimes i just feel like
quittin i still might
why do i put up this fight?
why do i still write?"

Smoothy
Member

since 2002-12-02

Posts 119
The dark side of the moon

7 posted 2002-12-07 04:17 PM

Again, I can only hope of being so prolific. I guess I can only pump out one or two good ones every now and then. Til' then, you are the better of us two. As WinterWren puts it *I bow to you*.

Love conquers all, so I must be in a losing battle.

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