What About Forever? - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

Surreal
Junior Member

since 2002-10-21

Posts 35
Paris

0 posted 2002-11-02 07:43 AM

“What about forever? Did you not think about that?” she asked
With those discerning green eyes
Reminding him of the quality of her questions
“I’m at a loss for words,” he replied
So she looked down to the floor to see if she had dropped them herself
But there were no explanations to be found
(“Oh darling, this is how much I care for you”)
There was only the fading blood from last night
With that copper scent still hanging around
As if to tell her she shouldn’t forgive so easily
Her eyes were shaded darker than usual
With black streaks emphasizing the hardship of her smile
“I hate that look of yours,” he muttered
As if reproaching her could fix the dilemma
So it was her apology again
In a subdued voice and bitten lips
“Leave me to my broken wounds,” she lamented
It was an understatement that maximized the gravity
Of how her tears stained the shelter of her hair
“Just fix yourself before you fix me,” was all he could say
And with those words took tomorrow and tried to throw away his past.

--------
My writing has been a little sketchy lately, this is kind of a vent just to warn everyone.

Glory is a silent thing-- Mineral

[This message has been edited by Surreal (11-02-2002 07:56 AM).]

anonymousfemale
Member Elite

since 2000-02-02

Posts 2797
Limbo

1 posted 2002-11-03 06:55 AM

Jean, this is quite an emotional write. One thing I really don't think you needed was the parenthesis. It kind of obstructed the flow of the piece because it forces you to actually follow a different line of thinking. Ok, this is just me perhaps.

I like how you've added parts of conversations in with the interesting imagery. A nice vent to say the least. Hope to see many more from you.

Thanks for posting.

~AF~

Anti Lemming Crusader - Fight against the conformity!

Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

2 posted 2002-11-04 01:08 PM

wasn't just you, EJ.  I felt the same way when I read the parentheses... it kind of got in the way.

I have to say, Jean, I like the way your narrative still has a personal appeal here... you describe aspects of the environment as though they are being experienced, rather than merely retold.  "That copper scent," for example.  I never quite realized before how similar the smell of blood and copper were.

Nice work, Jean.  Don't worry about writing sketchy, you still write in your own style, which is important.  That's the beauty of being different... you create your own standards.

Parasite

Surreal
Junior Member

since 2002-10-21

Posts 35
Paris

3 posted 2002-11-05 12:52 PM

I definitely understand where you are coming from about the parantheses, it was actually supposed to symbolize some for of an interior monologue the girl is having but it doesn't really seem to flow with the rest of it. Thanks for your comments

Glory is a silent thing-- Mineral

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.