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ashley Junior Member
since 2002-10-31
Posts 10U.S. |
In this house Romance is lost. Fear is found. Love dies. Hate is born. Peace is gone. Hell is here. The previous is a fact that came from a Harvard Law student so it is the truth lawyers never lie. |
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| © Copyright 2002 Ashley Maggard - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
I don't usually post outside of Critical Analysis, but I'll make an exception. Some powerful images are expressed here. My suggestions are to removed the first line to make the piece more unified. Also, consider replacing a few common or general words, phrases, and ideas with specific or original ones. Keep up the good work. Disclaimer: The preceding statement is just my opinion. [This message has been edited by Kirk T Walker (10-31-2002 01:06 PM).] |
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xShUgArHiGhx 
since 2000-09-26
Posts 3150tRyIn tO fIt iN2 mY oWn ShoEs |
Welcome to Passions Ashley! Your piece was sad and so full of emotion. It was short and to the point but has a lot of meaning behind it which is nice. I am looking forward to reading more of your work and i hope you enjoy yourself here. Thanks for sharing and welcome again! Sometimes I get so weird |
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cherish Senior Member
since 2001-03-25
Posts 1639swimming in fairy floss........... |
Law @ Harvard? Pretty impressive  You managed to use all the "big emotions" (Love, Hate, Fear, all in the one poem without having first gone on for stanza upon stanza...nice  The only thing I felt that this poem was lacking (Yes, I know the importance of being succint and precise [And no tautology, Cherish]) was REAL emotion. I can't be hard on you cuz I was like you when I started out in poetry. Didnt want to say much about my feelings but was happy to discribe the situation. So the only thing this doesnt have is that personal emotion...yes I admit, it's powerful all the same, but I'd like to see this go further. Perhaps a history or something similar? Either way, it's a good start   Welcome, Ashley!  Hope you'll grow here nicely Are you scared? |
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quietlydying
since 2001-06-10
Posts 935the wonderful land of oz |
nicely done for your first post. welcome to passions ashley. i do hope you'll enjoy yourself here.  the one thing i did notice however, was that your signature just didn't seem to make sense. are you trying to quote a harvard law student with 'lawyers never lie'? it seems that way. you just might want to reword it a little.  just a thought. and don't forget to check your email. /jen/ what if they gave a war, and nobody came... |
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ashley Junior Member
since 2002-10-31
Posts 10U.S. |
To Quietlydieing My signature was scarasm I didn't think it would be tooken literally. Everybody knows most lawyers lie at one point in their careers. |
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Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
Ashley - I'm going to strongly disagree with Captain Kirk up there. The first line is important because otherwise you'd just be spouting off a bunch of descriptions with nothing to connect them to. I do agree however that you might want to find some less general terms... Anyways, my personal thoughts on the poem... the shortness of it helps it to have a piercing simplicity... because in the absence of expanse or description, you set forth quite bleakly the state of the situation, as though there is no argument to it, no "ifs" or "buts," just the way that it is. Quite well done. Welcome to Passions. Be sure to check out Teen Challenge #2 if you'd like to become more involved here. Also, don't forget to offer other members feedback on their works as well. Parasite Learn to place poetry before people |
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