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Teen Poetry #6

Is this your idea of...

Imajica
Junior Member

since 2002-09-16

Posts 14
NM, USA

0 posted 2002-10-21 06:56 PM

This is so boring. Advertisment sex is boring, caffeine is boring, subliminal hollywood messages brought to you by female rock gods and Saks Fifth Avenue are boring. "Stir the air" with your "I'm so down to Earth and filthy stinking rich" bull reteric is loosing ground. You wait 10 minutes for Guess.com to fully load thier soft porn images, fully cataloged and covered in your media fed conception of perfection. Is this you idea of

Beauty

Sex

Truth

Reality

How real people look and act?

(You loose)

Don't worry, I do to sometimes

Jose Marti
Member

since 2000-07-01

Posts 374
washing DC

1 posted 2002-10-21 07:13 PM

I like your poem, I think what commecials and commercial culture tells us about our culture is a bunch of crap

quietlydying

Senior Member

since 2001-06-10

Posts 935
the wonderful land of oz

2 posted 2002-10-22 01:48 AM

i really did enjoy what you were saying here, however i feel it would benefit if you transformed the first paragraph into more of a poetic structure.

right now it's bordering on prose.

as well, i thought that if you used fewer words, you'd get your message across a little more clearly.  it seems to be overdone and almost cliched in spots.

but good write nonetheless.  and thanks so much for sharing.

can't wait to see more.

/jen/

ps.  oh and don't forget to reply to some of the other posts.  you'll end up with more of a response to your poems, if you do the same for other members.

thanks.  ::smiles::

what if they gave a war, and nobody came...

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

3 posted 2002-10-22 03:07 AM

Well done on this one. I really liked it a lot. Very very well done.

This post has been brought to you by the 'Totally Awesome Society of Puerto Rican Egotistical Sexy Men'.

Marshalzu

Member Elite

since 2001-02-15

Posts 2681
Lurking

4 posted 2002-10-22 09:17 AM

I agree with Jen your first stanza if we can call it that read more, and was structured more like prose, I think that this poem would benefit from a slight restructuring and rewording there. Apart from that it was very well written and I enjoyed the read

Andrew

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