Life In My Eyes (a new style for me, trying things)

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Teen Poetry #6

Life In My Eyes (a new style for me, trying things)

ShadyMakaveli
Member

since 2002-08-21

Posts 128

0 posted 2002-10-20 11:16 PM

Life In My Eyes

Can't find the words
You'd never understand
Been dealt different hands

This is what I preceive
Better life doesn't exist
Lucifiers temptations I resist

Looking for serenity
A lost soul, no guidance
Begging for another chance

Is it too late for change
Mistakes made, lessons learnt
People who I thought they weren't

Harsh reality in this world
Disappointing, few moments of glory
Unfortunatly this is my life story

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

1 posted 2002-10-21 10:35 AM

I thought this was pretty well done. If you're looking for Serenity, we have a few members that go by that name. However, I often wondered what it'd be like to have a member named Lucifer. Would he be a cool cat?
Anyhow, well done on the poem.

This post has been brought to you by the 'Totally Awesome Society of Puerto Rican Egotistical Sexy Men'.

Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

2 posted 2002-10-21 12:37 PM

I think this new style works extremely well for you, Shady. This is very much above average for what I've seen from you, probably mostly due to the difference in the format you chose. I very much like where you decided to use rhymes, and where you omitted them.

I think "guidance" and "chance" are a bit of a sloppy rhyme though, because the second syllable of "guidance" isn't stressed. Usually a word should rhyme with both syllables of another word, when that word ends in an unstressed syllable. This is called "feminine rhyme." Of course, the only one I can think of offhand for "guidance" is "fly dance." Which you could use if you worked hard enough to put it into context.

Anyways Shady, I truly enjoyed this piece. Your writing is coming a long way.

Parasite

Learn to place poetry before people
Before you place your poetry before the people.
~Andrey Kneller

vlraynes
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-07-25

Posts 8229
Somewhere... out there...

3 posted 2002-11-05 01:50 PM

Shady~
This was nicely done and I enjoyed reading it.
Keep 'em coming.
~Vicky

P.S. Don't forget to check out Teen Challenge #2!
"...until you have read the verse on his heart,
you have not truly met the poet.
~vlraynes

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