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Teen Poetry #6
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Shiverly Shock ( 300th Post )
| Teen Poetry #6 |
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Shiverly Shock ( 300th Post ) |
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Riley 
since 2002-07-18
Posts 1038in the pouring rain 
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cold gone just gone flying away help me it hurts so bad so, so bad i...i can't breath help ah...thats better i don't know why i am always so perfect whats wrong with me why just tell me quit keeping secrets i'm getting tired of that you lie at least i have one true friend someone who likes me for who i am not what i look like for they don't exactly know i havn't met them yet no i don't care how i spelled it did i ever? o look more blonde haired prissy girls not me i can't stand that blonde prototype or whatever that word is not all of us are like that look at me for me get the picture now the pain is there again it keeps coming what is wrong its not me i relize its the knife you keep that hurts me your words they aren't exactly pie but i just like you i can't explain could you love me for who i am and that should be enough ~*I'm not gonna say I'm gorgeous, that for you to decide, if you really wanna know me, see the world through my eyes*~ [This message has been edited by Riley (10-20-2002 06:58 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2002 Riley Grant - All Rights Reserved | |||
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EleanorMoonbaby Member
since 2002-09-02
Posts 202England, UK |
Wow, very good! Nice one! Ellie "Last night, I had a dream that I went to the doctors, and she gave me eight minutes to live. I'd spent thirty minutes in the [edited by moderator] waiting room"- S [This message has been edited by quietlydying (10-20-2002 07:16 PM).] |
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quietlydying
since 2001-06-10
Posts 935the wonderful land of oz |
there's something i just can't understand about this piece. who is it directed to? it seems as though you're trying to go for the torn inside style. [as in you're dealing with yourself entirely]. however, you then seem to venutre off into the idea of bringing someone else into this. a boy? i think it would have a more definite impact if you edited out the other person. the feelings and sayings in here gave me the idea that you were torn with issues of yourself. and so forth. there was some very real emotion in this piece. and for that i applaud you, you did a great job. however i found you had a tendency to use overly-common cliches to profess your pain. another edit would definitely do this piece justice. [especially for spelling]. it has some very real potential. good write and thanks for sharing. /jen/ to give pleasure to a single heart by a single act is better than a thousand heads bowing in prayer. [ghandi] |
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Riley
since 2002-07-18
Posts 1038in the pouring rain |
Ellie: Thanks a lot :P!! /jen/: Thanks a lot  heheRi ~*I'm not gonna say I'm gorgeous, that for you to decide, if you really wanna know me, see the world through my eyes*~ |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
I liked the poem and understood it fine, but it's all over the place. You cover so many different thoughts and topics in such a short time, even the mispelling of a word (how did that apply to what you're feeling for this 'somebody'?). Other than that, the poem was fine. Well done.  This post has been brought to you by the 'Totally Awesome Society of Puerto Rican Egotistical Sexy Men'. |
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Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
It was a bit jumbled, and like Jen mentioned, you had a bit too many common phrases... I understand you probably wrote this with the "state of mind" thing as your primary focus, again... but there was still a lot that I think you could have improved on. It's lacking a lot of the visual appeal your other poetry has. Well, it's a good poem and better than most of the stuff in Teen... but it's a bit below average for what I'd expect from you. Still, nicely written and keep up the good work.Parasite Learn to place poetry before people |
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