Challange #1 (actually about tonight!)

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LCBS
Senior Member

since 2001-11-29

Posts 532
Connecticut

0 posted 2002-10-20 01:03 AM

You looked so helpless standing there-
leaning up against a fence, as broken as your spirits.
My arm felt naked by my side,
but your shoulder looked like it had enough weight on it.
It had been so long since I’d seen you smile.

Approaching you was always the hardest part-
I let my true feelings speak through my silence.
And we stood their, defying time, defying pain,
until you whispered the word I’d longed to hear

Now…

Arms and hearts entwined we walked away,
not into the sunset….
but into the stormy clouds-

Together-

Forever-

To stand tall and fight-

quietlydying

Senior Member

since 2001-06-10

Posts 935
the wonderful land of oz

1 posted 2002-10-20 01:25 AM

::gasp::

i know it's a good poem when i have to turn my music off and start back at the beginning.

this is becoming quite the challenge. everyone is getting verrrry emotional with this one. and i like it.

excellent piece lisa.

the imagery was fabulous. simple, yet overwhelming.

/jen/

at first i wondered why white oleander was in the six dollar bargain bin.

and then i read it.

[This message has been edited by quietlydying (10-20-2002 01:25 AM).]

Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

2 posted 2002-10-20 01:59 AM

I'll be careful with you. You're sensitive...

I also enjoyed this piece. Enough to mute "weekend update with Jimmy Fallon and Tina Fey."

I don't see what the function of the hyphens around the very end is, however... I think it made the poem seem like it didn't really close, after the last word... if this is what you intended, then rock on... but really, I felt it was unnecessary.

One thing I always have trouble with is starting my poems. You never seem to have trouble with that, I'm envious.

Your first line drew my attention right away.

A very good response to the challenge.

Parasite

Learn to place poetry before people
Before you place your poetry before the people.
~Andrey Kneller

vlraynes
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-07-25

Posts 8229
Somewhere... out there...

3 posted 2002-10-20 03:06 AM

Lisa~
This is absolutely beautiful.
There is so much emotion wrapped up in this piece.
You've expressed it very well.
I always enjoy reading you and this is no exception.
Thanks for responding to the challenge.
Hugs,
~Vicky

"...until you have read the verse on his heart,
you have not truly met the poet.
~vlraynes

Riley

Senior Member

since 2002-07-18

Posts 1038
in the pouring rain

4 posted 2002-10-20 12:32 PM

This was awesome, great job Lisa!!!!!!!
Riley

~*I'm not gonna say I'm gorgeous, that for you to decide, if you really wanna know me, see the world through my eyes*~

LoveBug

Moderator

Member Elite

since 2000-01-08

Posts 4697

5 posted 2002-10-20 03:53 PM

This is a wonderful piece! You know something really important: it isn't who stands beside you in the good times, it's who is beside you in the storms. Wonderful response to the challenge!

Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.

quietlydying

Senior Member

since 2001-06-10

Posts 935
the wonderful land of oz

6 posted 2002-10-20 05:03 PM

ewwwww brian.

saturday night live is so bad now. i mean, there was this amazing window of opportunity back in the early nineties when it had the golden cast, but other than that, everything on it since the mid eighties has been soooo bland an unfunny.

i thought you were better than that. har har har.

/jen/

to give pleasure to a single heart by a single act is better than a thousand heads bowing in prayer. [ghandi]

LCBS
Senior Member

since 2001-11-29

Posts 532
Connecticut

7 posted 2002-10-20 06:31 PM

Wow, I never expected a repsonse like this.  When I posted this poem here, I was very unhappy with it...it seemed to be missing something.

This was written about last night, I really feel like it was the BEST day of my life.  It was the first time I was really happy in a long time, and I guess when I was writing this it showed through in my words.  I'm glad!

Brian-
The hyphens are there because I want it to be read very "chopily" if that is a word.  You should stop after each word...

Together

Forever

To stand and fight

I just like it better that way...oh dear, don't ask me to explain my reasoning...I'm crazy!

~Lisa

cherish
Senior Member

since 2001-03-25

Posts 1639
swimming in fairy floss...........

8 posted 2002-10-21 01:15 AM

Wonderful Lisa....loved this. Must have been quite a night then

Are you scared? BOO! Are you now?

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

9 posted 2002-10-21 11:06 AM

Amazing, simply amazing. This poem completely rocked. I loved it with everything that is me. Truly. I hope to read some of your work here more often because this was just superb.

This post has been brought to you by the 'Totally Awesome Society of Puerto Rican Egotistical Sexy Men'.

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