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Teen Poetry #6

Stormy

*Dark Princess*
Junior Member

since 2003-04-13

Posts 22
lost in the shadows

0 posted 2003-09-16 12:25 PM

Tears fall,
Like rain on a garden wall.
Thundering clouds are me,
Upsetting this perfect day.
Clashing with other clouds,
Words striking like lightning.
Hitting hard,
Leaving devastation for you and I.
The sun peaks out,
All is calm.
But this perfect day is ruined,
By this lonely storm.

Okay I wrote this a few years ago, and tried to revise it some, but if anyone has any ideas, I would appreciate it...

Match
Member

since 2002-07-01

Posts 286
Canada Edmonton

1 posted 2003-09-16 08:54 PM

I like it....thats all

I wear my crown of thorns
on my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair

Acies

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-06-07

Posts 7665
Twilight Zone

2 posted 2003-09-20 12:33 PM

I don't know how much revision you've done, but it sounds really good
my suggestion is to add to it, make it longer
it might add to the greatness of the poem
thanks for the read

You don't have to say you love me just be close at hand.......

Why
Junior Member

since 2003-09-26

Posts 32
Middle of nowhere

3 posted 2003-09-27 12:02 PM

i have no words to describe that poem besides EXCELLENT!!!! it would be better if it were longer

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