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Beheld yet not seen
| Teen Poetry #6 |
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Beheld yet not seen |
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*Belabebeautiful*
since 2003-01-03
Posts 696washington, USA |
ok, so personally I don't like this piece cause I feel it is below my usuall standards of writing but I figured I would get it out anyways and here comments on how to better it. Lonely is the hour And darkened is the night Fatefully she sits to watch The coming of her knight Her story is a long one Tragic, sad but true Of destiny and betrayal From the people she once knew Opium clouds dot the sky As she reflects on where she’s gone Battered yet patient she waits Knowing he will come The blood filled ocean crashes On the shore beneath her toes Her body strung out on tension But in her heart she knows He will come this night And her cinnamon lips twist with hope But in case he denies her once more Between her fingers dangles a rope Confetti rain starts to fall Steeling her memory of the stars Yet the purple silvery moon Still shimmers from afar A confusion on the land She strains but it’s not within her sight As she starts to run She prays with all her might Could it be her elusive knight? Shining upon his white horse But no…he has not come again And she hangs her head in remorse Her beaten spirit cries As her body slumps to the ground Her fairytale dreams will not come true And she admits defeat she has found She cries her agony to the water And all around her tears soak the sand Was she not good enough for the love Of this beautiful man The rope caresses her porcelain neck Yet she falters in her stride And she runs into the waves Were forever she can hide The problem with resisting temptation is you never know if you'll get the chance again |
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Maddy vanD Member
since 2003-09-06
Posts 99Newfoundland, Canada |
Ok, since you asked, here's a few comments that came to me when reading it. First off let me start by saying I rather liked it, and that there are some beautiful lines/phrases here: "Battered yet patient she waits" "Her body strung out on tension" This whole stanza is great: "He will come this night And her cinnamon lips twist with hope But in case he denies her once more Between her fingers dangles a rope" at first I was a bit put off by "cinnamon lips", but the more i think of it the more I like that phrase....conjures up images of hot yet sweet kisses (well to me at least) And this stanza is simply haunting in its beauty: "She cries her agony to the water And all around her tears soak the sand Was she not good enough for the love Of this beautiful man" OK, now to the other comments.... In the 1st stanza, the line "Fatefully she sits to watch"...myself I think "Faithfully" would go better here, as the poem implies she has waited many times before, almost ritualisticly (is that a word???) In stanza 3 I was brought up by the phrase "Opium clouds", it didn't seem to make sense, why the drug reference, to me it distracted, made me look for other drug references in the poem, to see if I had missed something. Same thing with the lines "The blood filled ocean crashes" and "Confetti rain starts to fall" The blood filled ocean made me picture a sunset or sunrise, yet the poem is specifically set at night, while it is a powerful image, it doesn't seem to fit the rest of the poem. And "Confetti rain" just confused me, I find I really don't get that image. Other than that the last stanza sorta confused me some....she can't hang herself so she drowns herself??? Anyway...that's me comments, take 'em or leave 'em, but all in all a pretty good poem, just some rough bits here and there...I will be checking out some of your other stuff, since you say this one isn't up to your usual standard, and it is pretty godd...now i have high expectations  Maddy |
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