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infinite disaster
Member

since 2003-06-01

Posts 69
Illinois

0 posted 2003-08-04 01:45 AM

Again, just writing random stuff down. I don't really like it, I think it sounds kind of ... I don't know, stupid. But I thought i would share, so tell me what you think.

Those words that fill her lungs
She gasps for air
Only choking herself more
She screams for help
Nothing but air comes out
Holding on
Reaching for something that’s not there
Knowing no one will relieve her of her burden
She finally gives up
Quietly, she slips
Wanting no one to know
She closes her eyes
Falling faster than before
Feeling the air on her hair
She gives a slight smile
Knowing what lies ahead of her
Will not embrace any hurt
Any pain, any guilt that she has felt
The unbreakable person
That everyone thought she was
Slowly lost her strength

I am proof that the heart is a risky fuel to burn.

WinterWren
Senior Member

since 2002-12-01

Posts 1044
...Coming to

1 posted 2003-08-04 02:21 AM

Im at a loss for words, the only one I could find was, "Wow".
Truly amazing poem, very descriptive.
It built up to a perfect ending.

WinterWren
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Lexy
Senior Member

since 2003-01-28

Posts 1038
California

2 posted 2003-08-04 04:16 PM

This is pretty good. I think you could work with it a little to make it more powerful, but I found myself emerced in the material none the less. Feeling the air on her hair, I liked that line. It made the poem come to life.
~Lex