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Teen Poetry #6
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dertah
Senior Member
since 2003-06-18
Posts 584


0 posted 2003-07-24 01:36 AM



i grit my teeth
dry cracked lips curl back
blood rushes to my skull
eyes widen and begin to bulge
i begin to shake vigorously
my hands clench my hair
eyes squint and swell
i fall to my knees, pathetic and weak
and the last tear of my humanity
drops to the floor
all that remains
is rage
rage for the once love in my life
but you are now married to another
the love i once felt
is hurled from my gut to your feet
as i rise to my feet
i glare into your eyes
and i see you burn
...as i burn with pure rage

© Copyright 2003 dertah - All Rights Reserved
Match
Member
since 2002-07-01
Posts 286
Canada Edmonton
1 posted 2003-07-24 01:44 AM


wow so emmotinal, I can see the images Nice!

I'm just kickin it up

teenpoet
Member
since 2001-10-17
Posts 280
Michigan
2 posted 2003-07-24 10:51 AM


Yeah definitely very emotive.  Sorry about what happened to you.  That's gotta be...well it must really suck.  Lo ciento.

The future isn't now, that was yesterday.

Spine Grinder
Senior Member
since 2000-10-28
Posts 1127
Standing In Silence...
3 posted 2003-07-25 12:09 PM


I really liked this. Very vivid. Nice job.

If You Wanna See A Rainbow, You've Gotta Live Through The Rain. And If You Wanna See Through Love, You've Gotta Live Through The Pain.

Silent Evincar
Member
since 2003-07-22
Posts 179
Here There and Places Between
4 posted 2003-07-25 12:30 PM


My main man dertah... oh so it seems that life has cheated you once again?? I must admit this strikes me as a poem that sees totally red... blinded anger. The best kind of anger... emotional rage and it leads to the kind of writing that becomes a skill more than a hobbie. I applaud you and the performance in this piece... don't ever stop trying.
                      NJS

Lexy
Senior Member
since 2003-01-28
Posts 1038
California
5 posted 2003-07-26 10:58 PM


eyes squinting and sweeling at the same time. that is definately rage. So descriptive. I liked it.
~Lex

Riley
Deputy Moderator 5 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Senior Member
since 2002-07-18
Posts 1038
in the pouring rain
6 posted 2003-07-26 11:46 PM


the description in this was just striking...it literally took my breath away.....

quote:
is hurled from my gut to your feet
as i rise to my feet


this part...the feet, feet thing interupted (sp?) the flow just a bit


quote:
i glare into your eyes
and i see you burn


loved this part.....anger shows very clearly.....
overall great piece


riley

*the bloody tide comes in on the shore, time after time*

Star T
Member
since 2002-07-12
Posts 182
Philadelphia, US
7 posted 2003-07-27 05:09 PM


"i fall to my knees, pathetic and weak
and the last tear of my humanity drops to the floor"thatw as my best lines.such a RICH poem.and i'm sure the feeling hurts so bad.just hold on, be strong and keep ur heart open.

Song_for_Serenity
Member
since 2003-05-28
Posts 97
USA
8 posted 2003-07-29 03:25 PM


Great write! This was very intense. I really like how evident the emotion in this is. Keep up the great work!

~Angela
"Anything less than mad, passionate love is wasting your time...Life has too many mediocre things in it, love shouldn't be one of them..."

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