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Riley

Senior Member

since 2002-07-18

Posts 1038
in the pouring rain

0 posted 2002-10-14 07:45 PM

Shallow flocks,
your last resort to the drunken state of mind.
Kiss and tell, the long lost secrets of your secreted past, yet you know in mind, you are scared.
When you finally collapse into a worthless, heaving pound, blame the acohol, it's not my fault.
It was never my concern when you were knocked out cold, yet still we were amidst a surpressing touch.
Laugh about it now, while you are finally sober, finally, but still even I could get drunk off your kiss.
Delerious illusions fall all around, as I lose myself against the wall to your eyes.
Again it's mine, and your, drunken state of mind.

~* Love humiliates you, hatered cradles you-White Olender *~

[This message has been edited by Riley (10-14-2002 07:52 PM).]

quietlydying

Senior Member

since 2001-06-10

Posts 935
the wonderful land of oz

1 posted 2002-10-14 08:54 PM

in all honesty i think you should stick to what you know. it's been said before.

'secrets of your secreted past'

maybe you should start using a thesaurus.

::shrugs::

/jen/

i just haven't been the same since that house fell on my sister.

[the closest thing i've found to heaven is sitting here talking to you.bif naked]

Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

2 posted 2002-10-14 11:46 PM

Ooh... I really like the connection you form between the narrator and the second party...

This is definitely something else. I'm glad you took the extra time on this one.

I'd love to see more work from you in this style, Riley.

Parasite

Learn to place poetry before people
Before you place your poetry before the people.
~Andrey Kneller

Riley

Senior Member

since 2002-07-18

Posts 1038
in the pouring rain

3 posted 2002-10-15 08:08 AM

Thanks LP, sure thing......will be working on another one quite soon I do think....E-mail me ok!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ( I love exclamation points!!!!!!! )

By!

Riley

~* Love humiliates you, hatered cradles you-White Olender *~

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

4 posted 2002-10-16 04:22 PM

I really liked this one except for the ending. I think it lacked a bit of OOOMPH!!!
But everything else was pretty great. A poem VERY well done.

This post has been brought to you by the 'Totally Awesome Society of Puerto Rican Egotistical Sexy Men'.

quietlydying

Senior Member

since 2001-06-10

Posts 935
the wonderful land of oz

5 posted 2002-10-16 07:28 PM

i do believe mr jav is stalking me.

ahhhhhhh!!

::runs for cover::

/jen/

at first i wondered why white oleander was in the six dollar bargain bin.

and then i read it.

clumsy
Member

since 2002-10-10

Posts 106
canada.

6 posted 2002-10-16 11:31 PM

i like how this is written, it's a differnt style and i like that... i also loved the emotion behind it... beautiful.

vlraynes
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-07-25

Posts 8229
Somewhere... out there...

7 posted 2002-10-21 06:48 PM

Riley~
As with all of your poetry, I enjoyed reading this.
You've done a nice job with this style and I hope
to see lots more from you.
Hugs,
~Vicky

"...until you have read the verse on his heart,
you have not truly met the poet.
~vlraynes

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