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infinite disaster
Member

since 2003-06-01

Posts 69
Illinois

0 posted 2003-07-16 03:18 AM

This is not one of my best. I was just writing a whole bunch of crap down. Anyways, tell me what you honestly think. And oh, if you can help me think of a title for this, I would greatly appreciate it.

Wandering into a room
She opens her mouth
Nothing but useless words escapes
That secretly covers the pain she feels
She walks further down
She sees a perfect vase
So still, so perfect
She reaches for it
Knowing what she knows

No longer perfect
The vase is now a shattered piece
A jagged edge cuts her hand
The red liquid drips down her arm
She wipes the pain away
But only allowing more to reach her
Quietly crying while bearing the pain
She smears the snow-white walls
With her red-stained hands
Wanting for forgiveness
All she can do is wait

I am proof that the heart is a risky fuel to burn.

Jeremiah Johnson
Senior Member

since 2000-06-08

Posts 1223
Brooksville, Fl, U.S

1 posted 2003-07-16 09:21 AM

well for a title i would say "trapped" or "Trapped within self" something of the sort it's up to you. this is a wonderful poem and is written beautifully. i hope to see more real soon. so until then.

I'm a dying romantic and when i can no longer write i can no longer live -Jeremiah Johnson-

frolicking dolphin
Member

since 2003-02-23

Posts 268
my own special world

2 posted 2003-07-16 10:26 AM

I don't have any ideas for a title but That was a very good poem for "writing a whole bunch of crap down" I liked it, somewhat mysterious but very sad or depressing too, nice work

~*~Karen~*~

~Dream like you'll live forever,live like you'll die tomorrow~

infinite disaster
Member

since 2003-06-01

Posts 69
Illinois

3 posted 2003-07-17 12:33 PM

thank you for ur support. i'm glad u like my poetry, even though half of the time i don't even intend to write. just thoughts come to my mind and i write.

thank you for your opinions. much love, akie.

I am proof that the heart is a risky fuel to burn.

Lexy
Senior Member

since 2003-01-28

Posts 1038
California

4 posted 2003-07-17 05:18 PM

If this isn't your best I can't wait to see what your best is. This was amazing, the concept of the poem was very unique. I loved it. I know what you mean about not intending to write. The same thing happens to me, words just come to me out of no where.
Keep postin'
~Lex..

[This message has been edited by Lexy (07-17-2003 05:20 PM).]

AngelShell
Member

since 2000-03-01

Posts 446
not heaven nor hell so...

5 posted 2003-07-18 11:05 PM

this was definately a strong piece of work. Sometimes it does work out better just sitting down and writting, it tends to be more honest. Sometimes heavily crafted work can scream false.

As for the title, I don't know, I think that title's are just as personal as the poem its self. Many people could give it a title that they believe it appropriate, but it really depends on how you feel towards it. Give it a deeper meaning.

A very good read.
Well done.

~I haven't memorized all of the cute things to say but I'm working on it~

lingering thoughts
Member

since 2003-05-03

Posts 70
Illinois, USA

6 posted 2003-07-23 01:06 AM

RED DISTRESS

CaSSandra*

dertah
Senior Member

since 2003-06-18

Posts 584

7 posted 2003-07-24 12:55 PM

i would give you a title, but then that wouldnt be you. good write though.

Match
Member

since 2002-07-01

Posts 286
Canada Edmonton

8 posted 2003-07-24 03:05 AM

No ideas for a title, I liked this poem it was deep and depressing. Something you'd think about doing in your head...I enjoy the way shes waiting for forgiveness. Very much enjoyed!
-ash

I'm just kickin it up

Silent Evincar
Member

since 2003-07-22

Posts 179
Here There and Places Between

9 posted 2003-07-25 01:31 AM

Well I must say this is such a nice poem that giving it a title wouldn't do credit enough. The silent torture of this women gives out enough reaction that it titles itself. I pictured every scence of the incident. Way to go.

NJS

peachesNcream
Senior Member

since 2001-08-21

Posts 513
Ocean Of Tears

10 posted 2003-07-25 01:18 PM

Sorry, I don't have any suggestions for a title. I'm terrible at figuring out ones of my own!

This had great imagery! For just a bunch of crap ( *LOL* ) this came out pretty good! ~Jess

"At the touch of love, everything becomes a poem." -Plato

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