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PoetryIsLife

Senior Member

since 2001-10-27

Posts 1763
...in my boxers...

0 posted 2003-07-14 08:44 PM

The ordinary numbs them,
stagnates their being,
as they slide into their drudgery,
their pit of despair.

He stands atop a mountain top,
and screams till he bleeds.
He will not be caught like them,
he will not fall like them.

They wither and die,
as he demands to have
his last laugh.

They wither and die,
but he has moved on,
with no time to pity
those who never realized
the laugh to be had.

He moves on with stealth
from the mountain top,
seeking his prey.
Seeking his laugh,
seeking a reason for his

scream.

collarbone_girl
Junior Member

since 2003-07-14

Posts 45
Wonderland

1 posted 2003-07-15 08:13 AM

"He stands atop a mountain top,
and screams till he bleeds."

this was a great poem. really cool imagery. well done!

frolicking dolphin
Member

since 2003-02-23

Posts 268
my own special world

2 posted 2003-07-15 10:32 AM

I really liked this poem, the imagery is great and it's a little mysterious too, nice work

~*~Karen~*~

~Dream like you'll live forever,live like you'll die tomorrow~

Jaime

Registered

Member
Posts 250

3 posted 2003-07-15 11:32 PM

faery spill: I like it... except that your character sounds like he enjoys the fact that most "wither and die" and that by seeing himself as being so singular it makes him special and individual.
MtBikerGoneMad: When I was writing it, I was getting the feeling he appreciated how lucky he was able to avoid being sucked into the trap those he's veiwing have.
faery spill: I like the parts about the scream though.. and his search for the reason behind the scream/
MtBikerGoneMad: He has a bit of a superiotity(sp) complex. LoL.
MtBikerGoneMad: Thanks. Those were some of my favorite parts, as well.
faery spill: He also sounds like he doesn't truly understand "the others".. like he has had some pain and everything and he's too broadly associating it with everyone's pain..
faery spill: I think that if you were to focus more on the character himself it would appear less like forced ego.
faery spill: But these are just my opinions.
MtBikerGoneMad: Good points..
faery spill: As usual, you word your thoughts beautifully.
MtBikerGoneMad: Thank you.
faery spill: No need.

I'm too lazy to reword my thoughts. lol

the faeries creep into my hair at night leaving it in terrible knots

Jeremiah Johnson
Senior Member

since 2000-06-08

Posts 1223
Brooksville, Fl, U.S

4 posted 2003-07-16 09:13 AM

a great poem and keep them coming. i get the picture of the grim reaper standing atop the mountain scyle in hand awaiting his prey. loved the image you made.

I'm a dying romantic and when i can no longer write i can no longer live -Jeremiah Johnson-

Skyfire

Member Elite

since 2000-12-27

Posts 3381
Riding

5 posted 2003-07-16 01:33 PM

I like the part about the scream, but then I've always been weird that way. I'm not totally sure I understand this so if you would, could you explain it to me? *hugs*
Linalu

Lexy
Senior Member

since 2003-01-28

Posts 1038
California

6 posted 2003-08-01 09:04 PM

this was great. I've read it before. And after comming back to it I liked it even more. I wish I could scream once instead of laugh. cry instead of smile I guess I'm cursed to deal with things..pretending there a joke. I enjoyed this piece.
~Lex

Kielo
Senior Member

since 2002-02-11

Posts 1109

7 posted 2003-08-06 01:43 PM

I like it very much!

(Of course, you knew that already....)

I have one small problem with it, and it's in this line
He stands atop a mountain top,
I don't like the repetition of top.... It could just be me, and it certainly doesn't take away from the poem, it just made me stumble a little, and I sort of lost whatever it was that I had, and had to start again. Maybe it's just me. *shrug* I also can't think of another word that would work.... unless you want astride, but I'm not sure that's the same thing.

The important part, though, is that you have once again written an amazing poem, that I like very much. (That's the important part - pleasing me

)

Kielo

I'll never know the cost, but all of Him is more than enough for all of me....

barbaraj
Member

since 2003-01-24

Posts 139
Nova Scotia, Canada

8 posted 2003-08-06 08:36 PM

"They wither and die,
as he demands to have
his last laugh."

great imagery. i agree with Jeremiah... i pictured the grim reaper.
yet again you put my writing to shame....keep it up!

~bjw~

~You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in people, than you can in two years by trying to get people interested in you.~

Marshalzu

Member Elite

since 2001-02-15

Posts 2681
Lurking

9 posted 2003-08-09 12:35 PM

Your such an awesome writer Titus and this is no exception, thanks for sharing this with us

Andy

PoetryIsLife

Senior Member

since 2001-10-27

Posts 1763
...in my boxers...

10 posted 2003-08-09 10:15 PM

Thanks all.

~Titus

The few. The proud. The Marines.

Skyfire

Member Elite

since 2000-12-27

Posts 3381
Riding

11 posted 2003-08-10 11:46 PM

Where's my email? And please tell me that you did not run down the street in your boxers again....

There's nothing as unbreakable as the bond between an Arabian and her person

SilentTears
Member

since 2003-02-15

Posts 371
Lost and Broken

12 posted 2003-08-10 11:53 PM

Wow, I really enjoyed this poem. The imagery was GREAT. I could picture it all. Nice job. Really got to me.

As I smile at everyone else, I'm dying inside... ~Me

PoetryIsLife

Senior Member

since 2001-10-27

Posts 1763
...in my boxers...

13 posted 2003-08-11 03:21 PM

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