One Sweet Kiss - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

Song_for_Serenity
Member

since 2003-05-28

Posts 97
USA

0 posted 2003-07-03 12:55 PM

I'm not quite satisfied with how this one came out.I don't exactly know why, but I get the feeling that this poem isn't complete. There seems to be a gap between the fourth and fifth stanzas. Can anybody help me out?

Inhaled breath
At the slightest touch
Not knowing if you're giving
Or taking too much

The rapid quickening
Or your heartbeat's pace
Dazed and confused
Don't know your place

You can feel yourself falling
Don't really care
Dance near the heat
As the passion flares

Temperature rising
Spirits soar
Weakened knees
Still wanting more

As it comes to an end
You open your eyes
Posessing a heavy-lidded gaze
Comes as no surprise

You never knew
That all of this
Could come from the caress
Of one sweet kiss

Your suggestions would be much appreciated. Have a spiffy day!

~Angela
"Anything less than mad, passionate love is wasting your time...Life has too many mediocre things in it, love shouldn't be one of them..."

[This message has been edited by Song_for_Serenity (07-03-2003 10:58 PM).]

Susan Caldwell
Member Rara Avis

since 2002-12-27

Posts 8348
Florida

1 posted 2003-07-03 03:18 PM

Not sure what the rules are on "adults" reading and responding in the teen forum.  But what the heck!

I loved your poem and I sent it to my friend.  Don't understand what you aren't happy with...it read very well to me.

Great job!  And keep writing!

Susan Caldwell

[This message has been edited by Susan Caldwell (07-03-2003 03:19 PM).]

blueyedlioness
Member

since 2003-04-24

Posts 289
USA

2 posted 2003-07-03 09:51 PM

It is beautiful... I love it, but I see what you mean about the fourth and fifth verse...

The only suggestion I have is to take out the "and" at the beginning of the fifth... throws the meter off a bit.

Hmmm...

*checks the library box*

-Lioness

Song_for_Serenity
Member

since 2003-05-28

Posts 97
USA

3 posted 2003-07-03 11:01 PM

Hey guys! Thanks for the replies. Lioness, I'm taking your advice. Thanks for the suggestion. You people have a spiffy day!

~Angela
"Anything less than mad, passionate love is wasting your time...Life has too many mediocre things in it, love shouldn't be one of them..."

dertah
Senior Member

since 2003-06-18

Posts 584

4 posted 2003-07-04 08:14 PM

nice write. reminds me of someone i know.

peachesNcream
Senior Member

since 2001-08-21

Posts 513
Ocean Of Tears

5 posted 2003-07-04 10:23 PM

Oh my! This poem was beautfil! I was totally feelin' this one the whole way through! I don't see why ya think there's something wrong with it...Great work! ~Jess

"If I could give you one gift it would be my eyes...So you could see how it feels to be me looking at you." -Unknown

*Belabebeautiful*

Senior Member

since 2003-01-03

Posts 696
washington, USA

6 posted 2003-07-05 02:23 AM

...sigh...yeah isn't that a wonderful feeling? I just love it...I enjoyed reading this poem it was sweet and heartfelt and mushy happy love filled..and those are my favorites!! Just the emotion put into this poem was enough to make it a keeper in my mind well done sweet heart

~live and Laugh~

Don't look to me for perfection, for I will surely let you down.
~Bella~

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.