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Teen Poetry #6
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My World
| Teen Poetry #6 |
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My World |
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T-Bird Junior Member
since 2003-07-02
Posts 17Washington, United States |
I'm 15 and i've been writing poetry for a while i am new here, so please give me positive thoughts about it or helpful ones. My World Nothing makes sensein my world, except you. I just want you to hold me in your arms forever, and never let go. When you hold me it seems like, nothing else matters. I always want to be with you, so I never have to deal with the world. When I'm not with you it seems like, my world crashes down around me. So if I ask you will you hold me forever, so that together we don't have to worry about anything. |
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| © Copyright 2003 Tiffany Brundage - All Rights Reserved | |||
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blueyedlioness Member
since 2003-04-24
Posts 289USA |
Hey there. Welcome to piptalk. Your poem's nice... but I'd like to see some kind of format. It's almost just random comments put together nicely with line breaks. I live and breathe rhyme and meter, so this is just my opinion.  You obviously feel very deeply about this... whoever it is... and you've expressed it beautifully. By the way... I like your screen name. T-birds rock. ;p -Lioness |
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T-Bird Junior Member
since 2003-07-02
Posts 17Washington, United States |
thanks but i'm not very good at making poems rythmical, ya know? |
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Skyfire 
since 2000-12-27
Posts 3381Riding |
Welcome to Passions! I look forward to seeing you around here, and by the looks of things, you've got a good start going here. I do have a couple of suggestions for this particular piece... I'm not really big on format, for me, the less format there is, the better lol. There are a couple of things though that kind of jumped out at me, they're not big, but they did cause me to stumble a bit while reading this. "Nothing makes sensein my world, except you." I just copied and pasted this, it looks like you missed hitting the space bar between the two words there... that was the first thing that threw me. "I just want you to hold me in your arms forever, and never let go." This works great for me, some would say that this is cliched, but in a poem like this, the holding in arms forever thing works. "When you hold me it seems like, nothing else matters." This one, I think it would flow better if you took the comma out from behind the "like". these two lines don't really need a pause in between them. "I always want to be with you, so I never have to deal with the world." this works great for me too "When I'm not with you it seems like, my world crashes down around me." Again, there doesn't really need to be a pause betweent these two lines. It just makes it sound awkward. "So if I ask you will you hold me forever, so that together we don't have to worry about anything." in the first line here I feel like there should be a comma between "you" and "will" so that the entire poem reads like this: Nothing makes sense in my world, except you. I just want you to hold me in your arms forever, and never let go. When you hold me it seems like nothing else matters. I always want to be with you, so I never have to deal with the world. When I'm not with you it seems like my world crashes down around me. So if I ask you, will you hold me forever, so that together we don't have to worry about anything. Those are just my thoughts on this, I think it's great, but needs just a little tweaking so that it flows well and you're able to keep the reader with what you want to say. I hope that you find that Passions is the wonderful place it is to the rest of us, and I look forward to reading more from you. Rhonda - Moderator, Passions in Poetry PS> Check your email for a special greeting It is said the Creator has taken a handful of South Wind and given each newborn Arabian the power of flight without wings [This message has been edited by Skyfire (07-02-2003 08:36 PM).] |
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chasing rain Senior Member
since 2001-05-15
Posts 737Canada |
First of all, WELCOME TO PIPTALK!  We're always happy to welcome new members into our family of poets. I wanted to comment on blueyedlioness's comment about format. Poetic format does not necessarily have to include rhymes and meter. You've probably heard of freeverse, which is the style you wrote this in, and it does not require rhymes or meter. It is still a very acceptable form of poetry, though the form and art of freeverse is often debateable. Other than some of the grammatical/mechanical aspects of the piece, perhaps you could extend some of your lines? While I was reading this, I found it a touch stiff because of the predictable structure that you chose. Instead of ending a thought every two lines, perhaps extend that thought for another line or two, just to add variety. You should always treat readers like they have very short attention spans. If you do this, your poetry will always be interesting and full of thoughtful ideas. Hope to see you around the forums! -Leah  |
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green_itchy_stuff Senior Member
since 2003-06-26
Posts 1929New Caney, Tx |
Nice poem. Its a little chopy though. |
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