Love's Language ( PLEASE read! )

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BabieDoll
Member

since 2003-02-13

Posts 268
BFE

0 posted 2003-06-25 02:35 PM

~This piece is unlike anything I've ever written ( at least in my opinion )I would appreciate any constructive criticism on this writing.

Passions unfold,
Leaving tongues silent
To dance with each other
Under moonlight’s kiss.

Tranquil beings.
Two souls entwine
Lost in rhythmic flows
Of night’s embrace.

Shadows stir,
Painting the room,
Sculpting the purpose
Upon life lies.

Satisfied breaths.
Words spoken
Not of mouth, of heart...
Love’s language.*

"In life you must dance like no one is watching, sing like no one is listening and love like it's never going to hurt..."

[This message has been edited by BabieDoll (06-25-2003 02:36 PM).]

BrokenDreams
Member

since 2003-02-09

Posts 425
In The Clouds

1 posted 2003-06-25 11:43 PM

I really really like this. I'm putting it in my library.

Sorry that this isn't much of a critique, but I'm too tired to think that much. LoL. Anyway nice write, and thanks for the read.

-Jen

I'd rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not. -Kurt Cobain

SimpleDiscourse
Member

since 2003-04-24

Posts 79

2 posted 2003-06-26 12:47 PM

This is really good. Wow, I haven't commented on anything in awhile..I'm such a freeloader. Anyway. I liked the imagery in this. The emotions are portrayed nicely in this piece. Good work.

SEA

Moderator

Member Seraphic

since 2000-01-18

Posts 22676
with you

3 posted 2003-06-26 12:59 PM

I liked this, but please be careful with this sort of ummm... theme in the teen forum or it might get moved to Mature content

my only critique? Please don't put Please read in your title, your poetry is good, it will stand on its own.

you don't have to "beg" folks to read you

peachesNcream
Senior Member

since 2001-08-21

Posts 513
Ocean Of Tears

4 posted 2003-06-26 09:54 AM

This doesn't look like something you would write, but I really do like it. The title is a perfect fit for this poem! Great write and keep posting! Hehe ~Jess

"If I could give you one gift it would be my eyes...So you could see how it feels to be me looking at you." -Unknown

BabieDoll
Member

since 2003-02-13

Posts 268
BFE

5 posted 2003-06-26 10:46 AM

Mmmmmm...just wondering...if I'm under 18, how can my poem be moved to the Mature Content forum? LOL...I'm confused. But anyways, thanks for the comments...my last couple of submissions got a lousy number of responses ( let's try NONE ) so it's very much appreciated.

~J.Lynn

"In life you must dance like no one is watching, sing like no one is listening and love like it's never going to hurt..."

Riley

Senior Member

since 2002-07-18

Posts 1038
in the pouring rain

6 posted 2003-06-26 11:16 AM

Let's see, first off I am going to agree with SEA, a Please read posted in the subject line is not very tempting to read the poem. I learned early on, because when i did that, my poem got a nice goose egg of responses. but onto the poem.....
Passions unfold,
Leaving tongues silent
To dance with each other
Under moonlight’s kiss.

it seems to me here, that you are describing a kiss and then the kiss dances under moonlight's kiss???? if that made any sense please tell me....lol. but i would choose a different word instead of kiss right there but that's just me.

Tranquil beings.
Two souls entwine
Lost in rhythmic flows
Of night’s embrace.

mmmmmm....this is one of my fav. stanza's. but the capitalization and punctuation just doesn't seem to go together.............i don't know, maybe again, it's just me.

Shadows stir,
Painting the room,
Sculpting the purpose
Upon life lies.

i like every bit of this but shouldn't it be life's lies? i think it sounds good that way 2 but just a thought. nice work on this part.

Satisfied breaths.
Words spoken
Not of mouth, of heart...
Love’s language.*

on the 3rd line, or of heart shouldn't it be? and my question was the * what is that. i searched the thread and didn't see a * indicating anything.

overall, this is a wonderful poem. very nice........

riley

*the bloody tide comes in on the shore, time after time*

SilentTears
Member

since 2003-02-15

Posts 371
Lost and Broken

7 posted 2003-06-26 11:16 AM

I agree with Jess...it is unlike something you'd write, but the title DOES fit perfectly. I really like this. I think you ought to write more like this. I like the style of this poem...Very nice. Good job! Love's.

As I smile at everyone else, I'm dying inside... ~Me

BabieDoll
Member

since 2003-02-13

Posts 268
BFE

8 posted 2003-06-26 04:44 PM

Riley~

First stanza:
Moonlight's kiss is a metaphor. When I say it I am explaining the moonlight beaming in through the window. So, it's not a kiss to be precise.

Second stanza:
I need a coma after the second line in the stanza...I missed that when typing it to submit it.

Third stanza:
Life lies upon the purpose of what is happening between these two people...love in a manner that only true lovers possess.

Forth stanza:
"Not of mouth, of heart" is exactly what I mean. It makes it less wordy.

BTW: The * is my little 'mark'. If you've read any of my other poems, I * them all at the end. It means nothing significant.

...glad you enjoyed my poem...

"In life you must dance like no one is watching, sing like no one is listening and love like it's never going to hurt..."

SEA

Moderator

Member Seraphic

since 2000-01-18

Posts 22676
with you

9 posted 2003-06-26 05:50 PM

your age is not what would make it necessary for me to move it to MC, it would be the content of the poem...if it is "too mature" for this forum and the sometimes 9 year olds that read in here, that would be why I would move it. I was just saying, not to go "too far" with this "loving" theme....that's all.( and no you didn't, it's great) The poem is great, don't get me wrong, I was just asking you to be careful.

No biggie.

xEmperorEmber
Member

since 2000-03-28

Posts 136
tx

10 posted 2003-06-26 06:36 PM

I enjoyed this surpisingly. In honesty i clicked on it to laugh. Typically poems with titles saying please read are on the verge of just being something of comedic relief to me. As far as punctuation and all other "problems" with the poem, its irrelevant to me, because for me it could just be random words, because im not reading it as a sentence, im seeing it as a brush stroke to the image you are giving to my mind.. if that makes any sense what so ever... yea im just saying that i like it, i havent see your work from before but from what i see here i think you should go where your heading... and dont be afraid to be a little abstract... sometimes formulizing words according to english class is going to take away from the impact of the poem.... conforming too much.. eh... i dont know im sure this all makes sense to someone plus a poem that can spark up so many varied responses has to be good.. right?.. eh.. later

paul

Spine Grinder
Senior Member

since 2000-10-28

Posts 1127
Standing In Silence...

11 posted 2003-06-26 09:05 PM

Very good Jenn...I like how beautifully descriptive it is. Great job.

If You Wanna See A Rainbow, You've Gotta Live Through The Rain. And If You Wanna See Through Love, You've Gotta Live Through The Pain.

green_itchy_stuff
Senior Member

since 2003-06-26

Posts 1929
New Caney, Tx

12 posted 2003-06-26 10:14 PM

it sounds good but to critique it i think ill need some critiquing on my own work before i can do it right

ambrish
Member

since 2003-03-27

Posts 257
India

13 posted 2003-06-27 08:05 AM

full of passions

Mick Hawkes
Member

since 2000-10-26

Posts 90
Tees-side , England

14 posted 2003-07-20 07:41 AM

I suppose the real & only thing that matters about your poetry is when you look at the finished poem yourself you think “yes it says what I wanted” ..

I enjoy your poetry, it always comes across as from the heart, I look forward to reading more

Never take life too seriously - None of us gets out alive!

PoetryIsLife

Senior Member

since 2001-10-27

Posts 1763
...in my boxers...

15 posted 2003-07-20 10:16 PM

Hey Jenn

Just stopped in long enough to tell you this is an amazing piece. I loved it. I'll be back later to go more into depth, eh? See you around online.

~Titus

The few. The proud. The Marines.

Jenn Cirrincione

Member Elite

since 2000-07-02

Posts 2107
Fl

16 posted 2003-07-20 10:25 PM

Well, I don't see it as Mature Content- guess my opinion just differs, I liked this and thought it was sweet and romantic. Love is wonderful to write about.

I really thought this was well done and rather sensual- but not overly mature.

JC

"Now I'm convinced that he's heaven sent, and must be out of his mind- mama he's crazy, crazy over me."

sixington
Member

since 2003-07-14

Posts 53
Utah

17 posted 2003-07-21 02:51 AM

your title is amazing. its so deep, nice imagery and metaphore. i liked the "moonlights kiss" it gives me the impression that its silent, or at least quiet, and calm.
I'm not feeling very profound, but very nice poem.

Evie
Junior Member

since 2003-07-20

Posts 15

18 posted 2003-07-21 02:35 PM

Very nice piece....I like how you chose unique words to describe feeling...it makes your poem more dramatic and "sensual" (I hope that's the right word)...bravo! Keep it comin'!

HopelessRomanticGuy
Member

since 2001-08-17

Posts 495
LI, New York

19 posted 2003-07-21 07:57 PM

Hiya! I think fate enjoys playing games with me. I was feeling a little depressed today - I won't go into why - and it seems every poem I've read here today is like a page out of the life of me and my girlfriend. Then there's this one, this exemplary peice of poetic art, which not only makes me think of her and I at prom, but is like something she'd say. I just want to thank all of you for cheering me up today, even if it as not at all your intention. I love all the poetry here, and now have a soft spot for this one. I'm now an instant fan of your work, BabieDoll!

'Rich'

Forever I will stand
always here with you.
Now stay and hold my hand
and together we'll go somewhere new.
~Rich~

*Belabebeautiful*

Senior Member

since 2003-01-03

Posts 696
washington, USA

20 posted 2003-07-21 09:00 PM

well!! Now that I'm calmed down I little bit I will post a reply! I really loved this piece, not at all a piece to put into the Mature content section. I think it has a home right here. The Third stanza would have to be my favorite it's beautiful, all the imagery in the poem is..the one critique I would have is on the first stanza it seems as though your talking about a kiss and while I understand the use of the word kiss in the next line I would still personally change it, just me though! Overall I thought the poem was deep and sensual, didn't go overly into detail and yet it expressed oh so much!! Lovely work
~Live and Laugh~

The problem with resisting temptation is you never know if you'll get the chance again
~Bella~

dertah
Senior Member

since 2003-06-18

Posts 584

21 posted 2003-07-21 09:02 PM

ha ha, dude, excellent peom. great quote. depths of hell huh? ha ha, maybe i've seen you before.

Silent Evincar
Member

since 2003-07-22

Posts 179
Here There and Places Between

22 posted 2003-07-22 12:32 PM

Lovely and very in tune with a flow. The words slide off your tounge and move in a way many can't...nice.

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