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Riley

Senior Member

since 2002-07-18

Posts 1038
in the pouring rain

0 posted 2002-10-12 07:53 PM

a knight locked up for a maidan so fair
worshipping scared yet horrid grounds
silent moonlite beams flow through
the cast [ iron ] bars that hold him

running through the crisp night air
flowing back with greatest of ease
young women far and wide shan't know
the love so devine and shared between
two souls divided by a bolted door

thrusting herself against the wood
that holds her back from a true love so strong
only a finger shall slide amidst
the hearted wall that holds it forth

lips touch softly further along
the path down the solidtude of road
holding each body closer together
farther and farther they go
brushed against the softer cheek
kisses push further whilst they dream

a single rose parts their ways
for another lonely forsaken night
once more they shall risk their lives
all for the sake of love
true unabiding love

~* Love humiliates you, hatered cradles you-White Olender *~

[This message has been edited by Riley (10-13-2002 10:11 AM).]

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

1 posted 2002-10-12 08:06 PM

Going back to the chivalric romance poems, eh? I thought it was pretty well written. Nicely done.

This post has been brought to you by the 'Totally Awesome Society of Puerto Rican Egotistical Sexy Men'.

quietlydying

Senior Member

since 2001-06-10

Posts 935
the wonderful land of oz

2 posted 2002-10-12 08:29 PM

upon further consideration, i've decided my reply wasn't appropriate for the pip environment.

/jen/

[This message has been edited by quietlydying (10-13-2002 12:38 AM).]

Skyfire

Member Elite

since 2000-12-27

Posts 3381
Riding

3 posted 2002-10-13 12:23 PM

Jen... She wanted a mild critique, not a ripping apart of her poem. That's all I'm going to say on that.
Now on to the poem. I like the idea behind it, and I like some of the images you present, but it is a little hard to follow in some places. *sigh* I'll email you with the rest of my critique though. *hugs*

Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

4 posted 2002-10-14 11:46 AM

I liked the storyline of this poem quite a bit. You wrote it in such a way that it was easy to follow, and interesting throughout. You mention "love" a little too much for my liking, but then again, I'm a heartless bastard...

Parasite

Learn to place poetry before people
Before you place your poetry before the people.
~Andrey Kneller

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