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Teen Poetry #6
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The little girl
| Teen Poetry #6 |
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The little girl |
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blueyedlioness Member
since 2003-04-24
Posts 289USA |
Alright, people... I have returned! I've been counseling at day camp for quite awhile and haven't had a second to come on here... missed all you guys, and I'm readin' some really awesome stuff. So, you asked for somethin' different... and here it is:  The child asks her Mother "When will I be free?" The Mother answers quietly "When you learn to see" "When will that be, Mother?" The child still persists "You decide, my darling... For it's your life to live." The young girl tells her Father "You have to let me free! For if you don't, I can leave - You're not stopping me!" The father tells his daughter "I can't make you stay. But I love you and I'll miss you... I'll think of you each day." The teenage girl says "MOTHER! Why do you torture so? Why can't you let me live my life? I'll be fine on my own." The Mother softly sighs and says "You're yet too young to leave For though you think you're sight is fine Your heart has yet to see." The young woman says "I'm leaving - Going far away I have to get away before I waste another day." Her parents sadly watch her go And though their hearts still ache They know she has to live her life And learn from her mistakes Years pass - one bright Summer day A woman knocks upon the door Of the home she left behind So many years before Old eyes light up with love and joy But before they can ask... "Mother... Father... I love you. And I've learned to see at last." She holds the hand of her child Who asks "When will I be free?" The Mother smiles softly "When you learn to see." [This message has been edited by blueyedlioness (06-21-2003 12:53 PM).] |
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martina Member
since 2003-06-19
Posts 59 |
THAT WAS SO AWSOME TELL MORE LIKE THAT PLZZZZZZZ |
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Skyfire 
since 2000-12-27
Posts 3381Riding |
woah... good to see you back  That gave me shivers... I'm going to put it into my library It is said the Creator has taken a handful of South Wind and given each newborn Arabian the power of flight without wings |
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chasing rain Senior Member
since 2001-05-15
Posts 737Canada |
I read this yesterday, but I didn't have time to reply until today. However, what I read yesterday made me come back, so yay! Well, you certainly gave us something different. And WOW! It was refreshing! I really enjoyed the story you told; you have a knack at these kind of poems. Not only do they tell a story, but there's always something meaningful and truthful behind them. My only critique is the flow/meter. It was a bit bumpy in some places due to missing syllables or too many syllables, etc. It's easy to clean up so it shouldn't be much of a problem. Often, if the flow/meter is off, it can distract the reader from the actual content of the poem because they stumbled over a line, were trying to get a foothold on the meter, and so on. So in a way, meter and flow is very important. If I were you, I wouldn't worry too much about it though since the majority of your work is really very good and a pleasure to read. Thanks for sharing! -Leah  |
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Kandi Member
since 2000-06-14
Posts 354North of Hell |
I just wanted to say I really enjoyed this. Kind of bittersweet, and it hit home since I'm going to be moving out and going off to college soon. You did an excellent job. Thanks for the read. The day you were born, you were born free |
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Albino_Jenn Member
since 2003-03-03
Posts 105Ontario, Canada |
First I would just like to say thankyou for the kind reply on my poem, then I would like to say WOW, that was awesome, it gave me shivers too!! that's SOOO amazing, good write, I really like this one!! Good job Jenn **It's better to be hated for who you are, than loved for who you are not** |
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OtherSideOfTheMirror Member
since 2002-12-19
Posts 245 |
Yeah you can assume that I also thought that was awesome. Jeez you really are amazing... |
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SimpleDiscourse Member
since 2003-04-24
Posts 79 |
awesome |
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confusedwriter03 New Member
since 2003-06-29
Posts 9U-S-A! haha |
WHOA! lol woooow thats all i gotta say. im learning and its thanks to you! ~*~Krista~*~ |
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luckyme9293 Junior Member
since 2003-07-01
Posts 24tx |
I liked it ALOT...it was really different, kinda like prose and poetry. Great! |
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Ladybug Member
since 2003-06-17
Posts 236Massachusetts |
Very cool poem! I love the message inside it. The meter is inconsistent, but other than that, it is flawless! Great job  Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end... |
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BabieDoll Member
since 2003-02-13
Posts 268BFE |
Awwwww...I absolutely LOVE that. It's like a short story but in poetic form. Truly amazing! ~J.Lynn  "In life you must dance like no one is watching, sing like no one is listening and love like it's never going to hurt..." |
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Song_for_Serenity Member
since 2003-05-28
Posts 97USA |
Goodness, this is probably one of the best poems that I've seen on this site. Wonderful flow, wonderful feeling, wonderful addition to my library! You're a great writer. Have a spiffy day! ~Angela |
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green_itchy_stuff Senior Member
since 2003-06-26
Posts 1929New Caney, Tx |
Nice poem. Theyre all right about the shivers thing, but Id describe it as more of a hair on the back of the neck type thing. A bit choppy but I can relate to it too. My brother and I both are leaving for the military. My brother in 2 1/2 weeks and me in Sept. Again very nice. In the library it goes. |
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Alnilam Member
since 2003-07-04
Posts 75 |
Im new here, and this is the first poem I read. I'll definately keep coming back to see more wonderful poems like that one. It touched home. You have some amazing talent. Keep up the good work. ~*Alnilam*~ |
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dertah Senior Member
since 2003-06-18
Posts 584 |
whoa, totally excellent lioness. this is like what ive never seen before, for sure. once again most excellent, i love reading what you write. |
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*Belabebeautiful*
since 2003-01-03
Posts 696washington, USA |
It's so heart warming and at the same time heart wrenching to see a piece such as this. It's absolutly lovely...I cannot get enough of it and the meaning just hit so close to my own home..tears in my eyes over this one great job! ~Live and Laugh~ The problem with resisting temptation is you never know if you'll get the chance again |
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Riley
since 2002-07-18
Posts 1038in the pouring rain |
wow, i don't usually appeal to rhyme, but this is AWESOME! riley *the bloody tide comes in on the shore, time after time* |
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