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Teen Poetry #6
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DancinQueen
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since 2000-07-29
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Kokomo,IN,USA

0 posted 2003-06-19 11:25 PM


-=Lover's Loss=-

As the clouds cast their shadows
upon my sun-kissed face
the wind tangles my blonde locks
and the motionless swing
begins to sway
A single tear slides down my cheek
onto the hands of time
silent whispers of a love
once so unconditional
lost amongst my insecurities
Tonight the stars are hiding
the angels silently sleep
my breath is growing colder
as i close my eyes
awaiting a better day
--I wrote this on a whim of feeling, and now I'm not sure I like it it's pretty raw emotion, coming from me atleast.I don't know..I'm not too happy with it

**You can't always trust the people you want to**

© Copyright 2003 Kiley - All Rights Reserved
Ratleader
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Member Rara Avis
since 2003-01-23
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1 posted 2003-06-19 11:36 PM


....pssst....a little suggestion....be sure...like it, because it's quite good....


Emotion's a good thing, if you show it rather than just exclaiming it. You did that well here, with just the right imagery and internal movement to carry the feeling and help the reader feel it for themselves. No flies on this at all.

~~(¸¸¸¸ºº>   ~~(¸¸¸¸ºº>  ~~(¸¸ ¸¸ºº>    ~~~(¸¸ER¸¸ºº>
______________Ratleader______________

Skyfire
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since 2000-12-27
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Riding
2 posted 2003-06-20 05:02 AM


Aw hun, I hope everything's ok   It's beautiful, as usual... you haven't lost any talent/technique/anything whatsoever. Thank you for sharing (it's going in my library k?)

My name is Batman... but my friends call me Bob

DancinQueen
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Senior Member
since 2000-07-29
Posts 1092
Kokomo,IN,USA
3 posted 2003-06-23 06:43 PM


thanks guys

**You can't always trust the people you want to**

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