»
Archives
»
Teen Poetry #6
»
Hatred
| Teen Poetry #6 |
|
Hatred |
|
|
Kielo Senior Member
since 2002-02-11
Posts 1109 |
You don't understand. You've used me, you've taken what you want, and I let you, like the fool that I am. You don't see that it will never be the same. You don't understand. I am stained, defiled by you. I hate being near you, you make me feel. The sight of you makes me hate; hate myself. You are a reminder of my mistake, of what I let you do. You don't understand. When you look at me, I am corrupted. When you talk to me, I am defiled. Your touch burns my skin, searing deep into my heart, and I hate myself. . . . I don't know if I like this one. I was just writing how I felt. I think it could be better, but I'm having trouble making it so. [This message has been edited by Kielo (09-16-2002 08:11 PM).] |
||
| © Copyright 2002 Jeremiah Leonard - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
anya Member
since 2002-07-27
Posts 393London, UK |
well I hope writing this helps you out, you may not be happy with but I always like to read something so obviously truthful and charged with emotion as this is, anya |
||
|
sean_krazy Junior Member
since 2002-09-14
Posts 33 |
well...like anya said...it is a good one...i actually like words written and expressed by a person straight away into a paper rather than modifyin their thoughts into a poem.. usually the effect is more giving...dont u agree? sean (sean_krazy) |
||
Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
I agree that this does need a bit of touching-up. The problem is, as I see it, that you have only really completed one of your objectives in this poem. You have accurately expressed yourself, sure. But the problem with this kind of poetry is that, while you accurately express yourself, it's difficult to do so in an elegant manner. It's especially hard to do when you write in first-person. Try to write more objectively. Separate yourself from the narrator, use "he" or "she" instead of "I." Even if it is meant to be about yourself. Another suggestion is that you always try to incorporate sensory appeal in your poetry. This poem, as it stands, is very factually written. Aside from "your touch burns my skin," there's very little sensory appeal. Try to talk about visual, auditory, and touch-related aspects of this person, of the experience you discuss. Paying attention to objectivity and sensory appeal can do wonderful things for your writing. Where instead of saying, "I hate you," you say describe what this entails... what hatred does to you. Parasite Learn to place poetry before people |
||
|
Kielo Senior Member
since 2002-02-11
Posts 1109 |
If I did so, I wouldn't post the poem on the internet... It would probably be banned anyway... So otherwise I would have. As it is, I think its plenty descriptive enough of an event I do not really enjoy discussing, and should probably not discuss at all, least of all with people I know only online. Thank you though for the comment. I'm just trying to deal with my issues. |
||
|
cherish Senior Member
since 2001-03-25
Posts 1639swimming in fairy floss........... |
oh wow...*hugs you*. This brought shivers down my spine...thanks for sharing this Keilo...i sure hope you're not around that person anymore. You dont need that in your life.  show us more of your writing sweetheart!
|
||
Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
Tell anyone that their touch burns your skin and they'd be bound to cry. I felt the poem. There's a lot of pain behind the anger. Well done, and good luck.  This post has been brought to you by the 'Totally Awesome Society of Puerto Rican Egotistical Sexy Men'. |
||
PoetryIsLife
since 2001-10-27
Posts 1763...in my boxers... |
Kielo.... I never see you on MSN anymore! We must talk! Like was said, the emotion in this piece was quite evident.I'm curiouse, Allan/Brian/LP.... would you agree that elegantly written first person pieces can pack a heavy does of emotional punch? Sometimes, a punch that various other styles can't?  Sincerely, Titus "My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems." |
||
|
PoetryIsLife
since 2001-10-27
Posts 1763...in my boxers... |
By the way, Allan/Brian/You, I agree with what you said. Just also with what I said within my question.  Sincerely, Titus |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
BOO! Are you now?
