Waiting for the ground - pipTalk Forums

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brezee
Member

since 2003-06-02

Posts 140

0 posted 2003-06-04 01:09 PM

I’m getting  sick of waiting
It’s driving me insane
Things just keep pulsating,
Inside of my brain.

What’s gonna happen next?
I know I can’t assume
I’m just worried I might find
My heartbreaking doom.

So what are we waiting for?
Why are we standing around?                         When we could be doing something,
Instead of waiting for the ground.

There are things we say we would like to do
Well I’m not saying it anymore,
I’m not gonna stand around and wait like you,
I’m busting through the door.

This barrier seems to stop us,
It seems to hold us behind
This force field of red lights,
That people call time.

So stop waiting around
And put your life to use
Otherwise you’re waiting for nothing
And you are going to lose.
....the waiting for the 'ground' means dying and being buried for those who didnt get me.....

brezee
Member

since 2003-06-02

Posts 140

1 posted 2003-06-04 01:12 PM

ooops lol kinda messed up on that stanza but it's all good, please guys, tell me if this would be ok for a song, thanx

~*~*brezee*~*~

blueyedlioness
Member

since 2003-04-24

Posts 289
USA

2 posted 2003-06-04 09:29 PM

Not bad... but the second and fourth lines in this verse:

"There are things we say we would like to do
Well I’m not saying it anymore,
I’m not gonna stand around and wait like you,
I’m busting through the door."

Don't at all fit with the meter of the rest of the poem. You've got too many beats in both of them... maybe you could take some words out? Change some?

Other than that, you stay within your rhyme and rhythm boundaries pretty well. I think it would make a great song, if that's what you'd like to do with it. In fact, you could even do creative things with the off-meter lines.

Keep up the good work!

-Lioness

*Belabebeautiful*

Senior Member

since 2003-01-03

Posts 696
washington, USA

3 posted 2003-06-05 12:02 PM

I haven't had the pleasure of reading your work before, I like what I see!! It flowed nicely I agree though that if your thinking of making it a song I would figure out the beats to those two lines but other than that it's wonderful. I loved the meaning behind the poem..To often we wait for life to come to us and in doing so we let live slip by...ah I just loved this piece..very simple yet powerful. Definite keeper for the library. I'll be sure to keep a look out for more of this!
~Live and Laugh~

Always strive for excellence never perfection.
~Bella~

jaysh
Member

since 2003-04-16

Posts 133
IL, USA

4 posted 2003-06-05 01:09 AM

hey....reminds me of a bagel...I like very very very very much. Good song..GOOD song

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