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StellarChica
Member

since 2002-07-06

Posts 207
floating down a river...

0 posted 2002-10-10 10:41 PM

I gave my first post a HUGE make over..and came up with something that I think is much better.

Alone he sits,
On an empty midnight boardwalk,
Wishing upon stars,
That he can't even see,
In a sky that's pure black,
Just like the ocean,
That's almost invisible,
Until the waves come crashing down.
He was blind,
But she had perfect vision,
Too bad she couldn't see,
His blatant dependency.
Walking out on the sand,
He builds the perfect castle,
With hopes that either it or him,
Will last the night.
Turning his back for only a second,
His castle of dreams is trampled on.
He'll stay out all night,
To meet the sun at dawn,
Instead he's greeted by clouds,
As the rain pours down on him.
He was weak,
But she was strong,
Too bad she wasn't strong enough,
To hold him steady when the tide came in.
*~erin~*

"They're just words, they don't hurt."-Ben Kweller

Marshalzu

Member Elite

since 2001-02-15

Posts 2681
Lurking

1 posted 2002-10-11 08:00 AM

I liked this poem very much, unfortunately I don't think I read your first post so I can't compare them, but it was a good read, thanks for sharing

Andrew

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

2 posted 2002-10-11 12:46 PM

"Say whatever you want.. I don't care"- Well you should care

I enjoyed the poem. I especially liked the ending. It completes the poem perfectly. Well done.

This message has been brought to you by the letter 'Y'

cherish
Senior Member

since 2001-03-25

Posts 1639
swimming in fairy floss...........

3 posted 2002-10-21 08:58 PM

Oh this is soo awesome!! I love the whole castle and blindness and him and her haha...see I cant even say what I liked most properly cuz I liked it ALL!
This is simply awesome Erin. I havent read your first post, but this is definately one helluva good poem!

I used to know an Erin Reynolds- You dont live in Australia do you? Your location doesnt say much, but it reminded me of Incubus.

Are you scared? BOO! Are you now?

Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

4 posted 2002-10-22 09:48 AM

Very nice, Erin.  I think you've definitely improved on the earlier post.

Your use of vocab really helps the poem's attractiveness.  I, too, liked the ending and how it completed the rest of the poem perfectly...

You've done a great job of this, Erin.  Be proud.

Parasite

Learn to place poetry before people
Before you place your poetry before the people.
~Andrey Kneller

Surreal
Junior Member

since 2002-10-21

Posts 35
Paris

5 posted 2002-10-22 01:08 PM

I like the whole conceit of an ocean, it worked well with the subject matter.

The first two lines were the ones that struck me the most, nice use of imagery there.

StellarChica
Member

since 2002-07-06

Posts 207
floating down a river...

6 posted 2002-10-22 09:08 PM

Thanks so much, guys.

Cherish, nope I'm not from Australia but my location thing was from an incubus song.

Thanks again!

vlraynes
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-07-25

Posts 8229
Somewhere... out there...

7 posted 2002-11-05 02:34 PM

StellarChica~
This is an incredible write...extremely powerful.
I truly enjoyed this from start to finish.
VERY well written.
~Vicky

P.S. Don't forget to check out Teen Challenge #2!
"...until you have read the verse on his heart,
you have not truly met the poet.
~vlraynes

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