Evening's Dance - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

*Belabebeautiful*

Senior Member

since 2003-01-03

Posts 696
washington, USA

0 posted 2003-05-28 12:48 PM

Simple, sweet. That's what I was going for...I've had so many evil, mean, vindictive, cynical one's lately that I just needed a quiet peacefull one. So I went outside and sat down and wrote. Here is the outcome

Sun was setting
in gold and blues,
promising tomorrow
will come true.
Memories linger
of hours passed.
Crimson hues..
our shadows cast.
Eyes of blue,
sun kissed skin
Lips like wine
as night begins.

Sun bestows
its final wink.
surf recedes in
shades of pink.
Mandolin cries
faint and low.
A warm embrace,
a song we know.
Rest your head,
hold me tight.
We move as one
by candle light.

Bodies sway
with gentle sighs.
Reflections play
in loving eyes.
Like petaled stem
from virgin seed,
A soft caress
like a summer breeze.
Against the walls
and window panes,
our shadows play
like summer rain.

Evening passes,
music fades.
Candle dims,
moon invades.
Filling within
hearts and minds,
like a love one feels
or hopes to find.
Now evening's kiss
is on our lips.
An evening's dance
to reminisce.
Whispers, soft,
as you take my hand.
Was it all a dream
in the evening sand?

The promises made,
not in haste.
Sweet thought of you
like honey's taste.
Between the moon
and morning light,
you take me slowly
holding tight.
Simple pleasures
as if new.
Bodies one....
but, born as two.

Like starlight's wink,
high aloft.
Your warm whisper
low and soft.
They seem to say
without a sound,
feelings true,
will abound.
Things we feel,
things we see
makes these lover's
hearts believe
in things not heard,
in things not seen,
in simple love
and simple dreams.

Always strive for excellence never perfection.
~Bella~

Song_for_Serenity
Member

since 2003-05-28

Posts 97
USA

1 posted 2003-05-28 01:21 AM

Hey hey! Now that my computer is done being evil, I can finally tell ya what I think about your poem. As I told you before, it's awesome. It's simple and sweet (what you were striving for), but also very visual and relaxing (automatic results that are very good.) It made me really want to be in the moment. This is probably my favorite out of all of your poems... And I've read a lot of your poems. Anyhoo, I must go.. Keep writin'. Have a spiffy day!
~Angela

Fading Away

Member Elite

since 2001-03-14

Posts 3131
Lynchburg, Virginia

2 posted 2003-05-28 09:56 AM

What beautiful imagery! Indeed, sweet, but far from simple. I believe your only problem here is that readers might stray from this poem due to the intimidating length. While the lines are short, and sometimes that works for certain poems, I don't believe it works for this one. This sweet poem lacks the flow it rightfully deserves.

Maybe instead of:
"Evening passes,
music fades.
Candle dims,
moon invades."

You could try the following:
"Evening passes as music fades.
Candle dims and moon invades."

This could do wonders to decrease the coppiness of the rhythm, and also shorten the length a bit.

The similes strewn throughout the poem are beautiful, and cast a clear picture in any reader's mind. Beautiful work... simply beautiful. Thanks so much for this read!

--Marie

"You can be idealistic for all of ten seconds before you die." (Imitation of Life)

[This message has been edited by Fading Away (05-28-2003 09:57 AM).]

blueyedlioness
Member

since 2003-04-24

Posts 289
USA

3 posted 2003-05-28 12:53 PM

Awwww... that is so sweet...

I actually like the length of it... it's kind of the type of poem that you want to just keep reading... and reading... and reading.

And I have to agree that it's probably the best of yours I've read.

Adding that one to my library...

-Lioness

ESP
Member Elite

since 2000-01-25

Posts 2556
Floating gently on a cloud....

4 posted 2003-05-28 03:55 PM

Yeah, I just wanted to keep reading and reading too....and sighing and sighing....lovely. Just lovely. Thanks for sharing!

Luv, Liz xxx

"Gorge the honey from life, and live through the stomach aches knowing they will pass..." ~Liz Pinard 2003~

*Belabebeautiful*

Senior Member

since 2003-01-03

Posts 696
washington, USA

5 posted 2003-05-29 01:46 AM

Thank you all for your comments. This one is my favorite right now..I guess just cause it's happy and sweet..sigh..Angela~thanks for the reply you really didn't have to do that just to tell me what you thought but thanks for the gesture babe. And thank you to everyone who replied, your comments are always appreatiated and enjoyed.
~Live and Laugh~

Always strive for excellence never perfection.
~Bella~

CwboyAtHeart
Senior Member

since 2001-04-14

Posts 541
Selah, WA, USA

6 posted 2003-05-30 01:03 AM

This is probably one of my favorites from you. I did read it a few days ago when I first saw it and could swear I replied, but obviously not. I really enjoyed it, your imagery was amazing. Keep up the great work.

      - Cody -

Note To Self:  If Pigs Can Fly, So Can I!!!

If someboy laughs at me, does that make me funny or just plain stupid?

peachesNcream
Senior Member

since 2001-08-21

Posts 513
Ocean Of Tears

7 posted 2003-05-31 11:12 AM

WOW! This kind of poem isn't usually something I would like...but I absolutely LOVE this one! Great job!! ~Jess

"If a thing is worth doing at all, it is worth doing badly." -Gustav Holst

lingering thoughts
Member

since 2003-05-03

Posts 70
Illinois, USA

8 posted 2003-06-01 03:17 PM

this poem was really sweet ... something that everyone wants ...
keep writing !!

*Cassandra

spritrider87
Member

since 2003-05-31

Posts 294
NH

9 posted 2003-06-01 03:37 PM

veyr good and very intense. you have alot of talent. keep it up.

i am in trouble but no one knows it if you can figure out my messages thenhelp me.

laurie
Member

since 2003-05-28

Posts 153
canada, ontario

10 posted 2003-06-01 11:21 PM

yah... wonderful story, you told it well if it's not your usual style. l haven't read much of yours yet, but lm going to look... l liked this.. hehe
laurie. l should go to bed.. oh well; damn...
as l said before my mind fell apart, wonderful poem... l really liked.

rapturedmist
Junior Member

since 2003-06-23

Posts 30
USA

11 posted 2003-06-23 04:57 AM

I was looking for this one and after about 12 or so reads I found it. Yay go me! I liked how it ryhmed..rhymed either or, its kinda late so you know brain not working to well. Anyways I think I'll go now.
-RM

*Belabebeautiful*

Senior Member

since 2003-01-03

Posts 696
washington, USA

12 posted 2003-06-24 12:34 PM

Hey everyone thanks again for all the comments! I went back and reread this poem and it's still my favorite right now. It's just so...sigh...yeah that's about right! .:sidenote RM, do I know you?:.
~Live and Laugh~

Don't look to me for perfection, for I will surely let you down.
~Bella~

BabieDoll
Member

since 2003-02-13

Posts 268
BFE

13 posted 2003-06-24 05:36 PM

OMG girl...this poem was absolutely AMAZING! There are no words to describe how much I *loved* this poem! It's left me baffled! LOL. Great job!!!!

~J.Lynn

"In life you must dance like no one is watching, sing like no one is listening and love like it's never going to hurt..."

Spine Grinder
Senior Member

since 2000-10-28

Posts 1127
Standing In Silence...

14 posted 2003-06-24 05:38 PM

This was just awesome. Great job.

If You Wanna See A Rainbow, You've Gotta Live Through The Rain. And If You Wanna See Through Love, You've Gotta Live Through The Pain.

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.