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Teen Poetry #6
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ESP
Member Elite
since 2000-01-25
Posts 2556
Floating gently on a cloud....

0 posted 2003-05-27 07:49 PM


A sigh.
Worlds of meaning afloat
On a soft cloud of air.
Trying to comprehend
Your words, both spoken
And silent.

Reaching for answers
To questions
That shouldn’t be asked.
I can see what’s there,
Too afraid to believe in it,
I slowly destroy it.

Feelings nailed to poems.

Words failing to communicate
What I need to hear.
Your touch would be enough,
The softness in your eye,
The smile in your voice.
Feeling, seeing, hearing,
What?

A monitor is not enough,
Words are empty and expressionless.
A thousand words can’t tell me
What your embrace did that night.
And what if the memory fades away
To the distance of a dream?
A dream as far away as you are,
Though you both live near to me.
Dancing in my soul.

I want to show you day by day
How much I truly care.
And all I have are words.
They say it takes a thousand
To paint a smile,
So pray how many for a gentle squeeze.
How many for each day we spend apart.
How many for a flushed cheek,
A singing heart.
How many til I learn to be quiet,
Til I learn to read your silence?

When will communication be complete
within a single sigh?




"Gorge the honey from life, and live through the stomach aches knowing they will pass..." ~Liz Pinard 2003~

[This message has been edited by ESP (05-27-2003 07:56 PM).]

© Copyright 2003 ESP - All Rights Reserved
Skyfire
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Member Elite
since 2000-12-27
Posts 3381
Riding
1 posted 2003-05-27 08:20 PM


Oooh good, you encourage critiques *grin* nothing big, just something that I noticed that changing might make the poem flow easier

The biggest thing that I noticed was your use of capitals at the beginning of every line. Now, I know it's poetry, and I know that the regular rules of grammer aren't always used, but I find it a bit difficult to read a poem where every line starts off capitalized. Could be just a quirk of mine *grin*

I love the way you wrote this. I don't know what it is about this that I love so much, but they way that you worded this just caught me. I'm very impressed, I haven't been caught by a poem like that in a long time.  The last two lines were just "wow" to me, I've felt that way a gazillion times but never been able to express it. Very well done, you're another one I'll be keeping an eye out for

ESP
Member Elite
since 2000-01-25
Posts 2556
Floating gently on a cloud....
2 posted 2003-05-27 08:24 PM


Thanks, Skyfire!! As to the capitals, ask Word!! It automatically captitalizes and I didn't argue....ah shud stand up for mah rights n change em all ah suppose!! Interesting you should comment on it...I wonder if, had I written it by hand, it would have been different. I write alot straight onto my computer, just cos I find it easier. Hmmmmmm worth a think...I'll bear it in mind
Luv, Liz xxx

"Gorge the honey from life, and live through the stomach aches knowing they will pass..." ~Liz Pinard 2003~

blueyedlioness
Member
since 2003-04-24
Posts 289
USA
3 posted 2003-05-27 09:27 PM


*sigh* ...

Sounds like what I want to say to one of my guy *friends* every single day...

Awesome. Just... awesome.

And hey, maybe I'm just a traditionalist, but I *like* the capitalizing. I always do that... it just doesn't seem right to me otherwise. But yes, okay.

-Lioness

BrokenDreams
Member
since 2003-02-09
Posts 425
In The Clouds
4 posted 2003-05-27 10:25 PM


I like this, although I can't say exactly why...no one part really stands out to me, I guess I just like the whole thing. I feel the same way with a *friend* of mine.*sigh*  Nice write.
Jen

Hey, this just an afterthought, but maybe if you like the guy you could show him this poem...it could be the ice breaker for you to tell him how you really feel. I know that's way easier said than done, but hey, it's a thought.

Every oak tree started out as a couple of nuts who stood their
ground. --Anonymous

ESP
Member Elite
since 2000-01-25
Posts 2556
Floating gently on a cloud....
5 posted 2003-05-27 11:09 PM


He knows...we both know...but, well, it's a long story. We don't get to spend much time together is the problem...and words, well, they seem to suffocate the true meaning of what's behind them....that's what I'm getting at in this poem  
Jen--I have emailed it to him...so we shall see what happens...only it's more like, I'm hoping he'll understand that my words are my best attempt to express it all, but that words don't do the job so well as I wish they could. Hence the silence...maybe I should give up on the words...
Can't wait to see him again, I must say...*sigh*
Thanks very much for all of your kind replies to this  
Luv, Liz xxx


"Gorge the honey from life, and live through the stomach aches knowing they will pass..." ~Liz Pinard 2003~

[This message has been edited by ESP (05-27-2003 11:10 PM).]

lingering thoughts
Member
since 2003-05-03
Posts 70
Illinois, USA
6 posted 2003-06-01 03:57 PM


that was really good ... I cant relate to it fully at the moment but i have felt this way before !
hope it all goes well for you !

*Cassandra

laurie
Member
since 2003-05-28
Posts 153
canada, ontario
7 posted 2003-06-01 11:11 PM


l like... it's so beautifully written, luv... you've done a wonderful job... again, even though l've only read a couple a your works.
btw: words aren't empty.. they better not be, anyway, cus they're all l am..
laurie.
good luck with him...

Song_for_Serenity
Member
since 2003-05-28
Posts 97
USA
8 posted 2003-06-22 04:07 PM


Hey there! Great poem. It's got an interesting style. Have a spiffy day! I hope to enjoy more of your posts.
~Angela
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