navwin » Archives » Teen Poetry #6 » The Rain
Teen Poetry #6
Post A Reply Post New Topic The Rain Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
blueyedlioness
Member
since 2003-04-24
Posts 289
USA

0 posted 2003-05-19 03:11 PM



My mind is blank
I hear the sounds
Of raindrops
Falling on the ground
They hit hard
And once bounce back
To explode again
Each tiny splash
Their lives now gone
Short as their giver's
For clouds will die
And run to rivers

And as I watch
And hear their deaths
Sometimes I forget
That breath
Is a needed part
Of being real
As the drops
Wet on my face I feel
I stare out
Into the night
At how the rain
Betrays the lights

Just as trust
Once betrayed me
Squeezed my lungs
'Til I couldn't scream
They wonder why
I love the rain
Because then they
Can't see the pain
They can't tell
They made me cry
And they can't hate me
For their lies

And maybe if
I stay right here
Don't look
So they can't see the tears
The rain will take me
Where it goes
And I can drift
As surf and snow
And I'll be them
Instead of me
And I won't have to
Remember to breathe

© Copyright 2003 Laura - All Rights Reserved
devinechild22
Senior Member
since 2002-08-28
Posts 571

1 posted 2003-05-19 04:34 PM


I think this was very good! I found it very interesting. The title caught my eye because I like the rain also....I really liked how you changed a poem about rain from just describing it into something very different and unique. I really liked it. Keep up your great work and I can`t wait to see more from you in the future!
               *Allison*

[This message has been edited by devinechild22 (05-19-2003 04:36 PM).]

FlyingCloud
Member
since 2003-04-28
Posts 151
A little place inside my head
2 posted 2003-05-19 05:06 PM


I love the rain and I love this poem! Keep up the good work!

Always remember to forget
The friends that proved untrue.
But never forget to remember
Those who have stuck by you.
-Anon

[This message has been edited by FlyingCloud (05-19-2003 05:07 PM).]

xxshadowxx
Junior Member
since 2003-05-17
Posts 43
Texas
3 posted 2003-05-19 06:08 PM


Good poem.. I to also love the rain it's soooo relaxing!!!
                  ~Carrie~

"Hard days made me, hard nights shaped me"

HopelessRomanticGuy
Member
since 2001-08-17
Posts 495
LI, New York
4 posted 2003-05-19 10:14 PM


This is truly a wonderful poem, and a refreshing break from the standard mode of writing.  I loved it so much; I don't know what it is, but this poem stood out to me.

                                                                        'Rich

Too strong to give up, to weak to move on....

skyshine
Deputy Moderator 5 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 2002-02-07
Posts 3058
Beneath the northern stars
5 posted 2003-05-19 11:47 PM


You have a talent...keep it up!

~Elizabeth

Dreams last for so long, even after you're gone...
~Jewel

dani
Junior Member
since 2003-05-10
Posts 46

6 posted 2003-05-20 08:45 AM


rain is the most amazing thing

it reflects life in strange and unusual ways i love rain and your poem showed rain beautifully

how many ways to say i love u... just 1... you make me want to die

Fading Away
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 2001-03-14
Posts 3131
Lynchburg, Virginia
7 posted 2003-05-20 01:26 PM


*nods* I keep my window open on nights where the sky if littered with raindrops... it is indeed a beautiful sound.

Wonderfully written poem... the rhyming was impressive. While I was reading, though, I was thinking about how cool it would be if the poem was also an acrostic, and had another/similar message in the acrostic part of the poem. Maybe that could be your next?

Beautiful write!  Enjoyed...

--Marie

"You can be idealistic for all of ten seconds before you die." (Imitation of Life)

CwboyAtHeart
Senior Member
since 2001-04-14
Posts 541
Selah, WA, USA
8 posted 2003-05-20 02:18 PM


Wow...  This is great.  I love the rain, you can get so much from just standing in it and feeling it falling.  This was deep...  I'm going to have to read it again.  Thanks.

      - Cody -

Note To Self:  If Pigs Can Fly, So Can I!!!

If someboy laughs at me, does that make me funny or just plain stupid?  

Local Parasite
Deputy Moderator 10 Tours
Member Elite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg
9 posted 2003-05-28 01:11 PM


Okay, this is my favourite of yours now... the meter is almost flawless, in a few places it seems like you left it alone, like the last line, but otherwise it was really good... of course...

quote:
For clouds will die
And run to rivers


Favourite lines.  Terrific work, Laura... I'm putting this in my private library.  

Parasite

Poets are the unacknowledged legislators of the world.
~Percy Bysshe Shelley

Post A Reply Post New Topic ⇧ top of page ⇧ Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.
navwin » Archives » Teen Poetry #6 » The Rain

Passions in Poetry | pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums | 100 Best Poems

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary